“Veganism Must Be Stopped”, Shane Jones? Come at us, fat boy

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Get a load of this tub of shit. That would be the easy response to Shane Jones, fat lad at the back, try-hard edgelord and New Zealand MP who came to our attention in recent days with his broadside against the rise of veganism in the country. “This notion of veganism and almond powder or something akin to that is going to replace genuine red meat, genuine dairy milk, it needs to be stopped in its tracks,” he fearlessly said. Valiantly pressing on while clearly short of breath, he continued.

"We should not tolerate, we should not acquiesce for one inch of the political journey with these people who are continuing to stigmatize and demonize our legacy industries, and I don’t care if I sound politically backward saying that.”

Neither tolerate NOR acquiesce. Jones was not playing around, even if the exertion of talking left him panting like a dog after chasing a car for eight miles. It is quite remarkable how many people have the guts to come forward and bravely criticise veganism while appearing politically backward. Like so many of his peers, Jones is unafraid to take criticism from people he never listens to, who would never vote for him under any circumstances.  Truly, he represents the best of the golden shower generation.

That protectionism is a regressive instinct sparked by primal fear is obvious and also part of its appeal. There are people for whom adapt-or-die applies to everyone but them. You’d call them dinosaurs but dinosaurs were kind of badass, thrived for 165 million years and were only taken out by a giant fucking asteroid that turned the entire planet into a sulphurous icebox. Let’s just call them cunts characters.

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Because as inevitably as Leonardo DiCapreteen turns up to every film premiere accompanied by a girl barely old enough to legally drink, antipathy to veganism comes accompanied by a string of obnoxious, discredited political views. Jones is a member of New Zealand First, a populist nationalist party that bemoans how the country is becoming “an Asian colony”. Shane himself recently described climate change activists as “medieval torture chamber workers,” hellbent on "preaching this gospel of absolutism" after the government announced that schoolchildren will be taught about the science of climate change. What a character.

In the past, his migrant bashing has backfired, leading to immigration lawyer Alastair McClymont toasting his foe after Jones gifted his opponents everything they wanted in a visa legislation dispute after running off at the mouth. In his mind, Jones is Petyr Baelish, masterful political operator who's only alive because of his shrewd alliances but in reality, he’s Ser Dontos Hollard, a pissed fat fool who’s only alive because people enjoy laughing at him.

It is of course a backhanded compliment to the vegan movement that Jones felt the need to speak out in this way. It’s gone from being a joke to being a threat and the meat industry has gone from being an unassailable leviathan to something that needs protecting. And when it’s being protected by as clumsy, as sloppy a fuck as Jones, Big Meat has every reason to be concerned. Even farmers think he is a twat. The chances of many of their number being taken out by friendly fire rise exponentially whenever he's around.

So we can consider him a true vegan ally. Shane Jones must be stopped? Don’t you even think of curtailing our useful idiot, our inside man, our Manchurian Candidate. Laugh if you want, but Shane Jones is the hottest property in town. This gammon is cooking.

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