Jokers be running up on me all excited, overfamiliar like a groupie, out of breath like a cucknivore, super eager to “talk” about “things” that are “happening” in the world.
“Hey Savage! 2020 has been quite the year, am I right?”
If by “quite the year” you mean unbearable shitpit of lunacy and despair then you are right. If you mean anything else then maybe you should shut your stupid trap before I climb through your laptop screen and punch you right in the balls.
On the real though, 2020 has indeed been a singular year. A once-in-a-century global pandemic rages, powered by air travel that didn’t exist the last time round; culture wars are fought on multiple fronts by people too thick to understand them and America continues her lengthy nervous breakdown led by the consensus WOAT commander-in-chief. What further calamity might be visited upon us next, the pee-poo ask. The answer comes, as bleak and unwelcome as a Kennedy designated driver: Tim Shieff back in the news with opinions you never asked for and his literal arse literally hanging out. If it’s not the darkest timeline it is surely the naffest.
The former vegan even former vegans find embarrassing, Tim was photographed and filmed trolling around London’s tourist traps wearing nothing but a face mask around his cock and balls. He was protesting the new rules in the UK that came into force on Friday 24th July that made face masks mandatory in shops. As with so many things concerning Covid-19, the requirement to wear a facial covering was a test of civil society and an individual litmus test of how big a piece of shit each citizen was willing to be. Could they forego their own selfish preferences for even the briefest moment for the greater good? It was a simple test with homeopathic levels of inconvenience and still many could not find it within themselves to pass. In Tim “Human Timothy” Shieff these lackwit skunks found their champion.
Ever publicity shy, Tim took to Twitter to explain his actions with an oblique post “If you are not living in alignment with Gods truth sickness will find you mask or no mask.” Known in the trade as victim blaming, this perspective is often delivered with a surface compassion as fake as the smile Melania Trump has to rivet on every time she’s presented with an AIDS orphan. A quick scroll down his feed reveals a completely predictable anti-vaxx post (“Not a chance am I taking a vaccine.”) and a less predictable one where he appears to support scarfaced racist piece of shit Wiley. Still, Tim gon’ Tim.
A few days later, Tim expanded on his reasoning in his video Why the Nut Mask? The guideline is “a step too far” he said. “If you remember, you’re born naked – you’re born with no clothes on.” My memory’s hazy but it sounds classic me, right enough.
The first thing Tim sees on his arrival in London is a psychotic anti-New World Order preacher spewing out anti-mask guff, audio of which ends up in Tim’s original video. “It was as if God had brought our paths together at this moment in time,” he says. Seems a bit of donkey work for an interventionist God but OK. Tim’s belief that God has a special plan for him is a recurring theme in what we can loosely call his work. Perhaps an Ezekiel foretelling the destruction of Jerusalem, or a John the Baptist living on locusts and wild honey or even the Son of Man come to enact the final judgement?
He explains how the intention was to get a signature photograph contrasting him, naked as God intended, with a mask on his knackers, with the sheeple, masks on their faces, as God did not intend. With theologians not returning my calls, I have not been able to secure official confirmation of God’s intentions vis-à-vis our nekkidness but Genesis 3:7 suggests that our bodies are in fact, disgusting and shameful and should be covered full-time.
The epiphanies do not stop for Tim, however. After visiting the Houses of Parliament, officially home of the British legislative body where the “rules” are “made”, he realises where the true power lies: home of the Queen, Buckingham Palace.
“The Queen can veto anything – The Queen is in charge of it all!” he enthuses.
Technically, this is correct. The Queen could cause a constitutional crisis that would almost certainly bring down the monarchy by going against both the scientific consensus and the democratically elected government and vetoing mandatory face coverings after listening to a piss-drinking Flat Earther. I’d like to see that episode of Newsnight.
Tim prefers to focus on our responsibilities as individuals, railing against “This chance happening we might get sick because of someone else, this blame culture, this shame fetish that exists – where it’s your fault that I may get sick because you’re not wearing a mask rather than empowering ourselves and taking responsibility.” It is certainly a radical departure. For most people, response to contagion is by its nature communal and societal. We would wait for the scientific citations but, as we know, Tim operates on intuition alone.
Further ramblings follow. It’s all about “our relationship with God”, sickness being the soul speaking to us and telling us to change something. If someone gets cancer it’s “something they’ve being working at for years, maybe neglected or in denial of some lifestyle habits.” He wonders if food is even a thing. “It’s debatable how necessary that is. You can live on juice.” We have already dealt with Tim’s creepy fixation on dangerous fad diets but the Cliffs are that eliminating every food group is a Bad Thing you should avoid like you avoid leaving your kid alone with a Christian Brother.
Worse follows. Returning from London, Tim stops at a service station. He’s refused service because he won’t wear a mask by a “little Asian man” outside stopping people going in. “I tried to walk past him and he grabbed me,” Tim says and then explains how he moved him out of the way, got his sushi and walked out. It bears repeating that conspiracy theorists like Tim aren’t harmless idiots, they are scumbags whose ideas and actions have bad real-world consequences. Bullying an Asian manlet to get to your sushi makes you a piece of shit but it’s a microcosm of a much larger unthinking selfishness that has already killed people and will continue to kill more.
It’s the familiar self-obsession mixed with confused spirituality we’ve come to expect from this clown. Just as he never really gave a rat’s ass about animals, he doesn’t give a figgy pulling about you catching or dying from Covid. It’s never not about him. The anti-mask movement is an unholy alliance of far-right MAGA goons, soccer mom Karens and filthy hippy conspiritards but one thing that unites them is a belief in the primacy of the individual’s rights that would put Ayn Rand to shame. If you believe there’s no such thing as society then a global pandemic is exactly the kind of thing that will change your mind.
Think not? Ask the Covid party-attending Texan who bought the farm, the Trump-supporting Ohio native who called the pandemic a hoax, or the guy who killed his father-in-law’s mother because of his belief in the “scamdemic”. You’ll need a medium for two of them, to be fair. If you can judge a movement by its enemies then we are making stellar progress. Jon Penus, Sv3rige the child stabber and Tim Shieff the most clueless gonk of all. Line ’em up, boys.