Simple slave of appetite
The march of plant-based diets into elite sports continues unabated. Its remorseless advance can reasonably be compared to Claudius Nero’s seven-day trek to the Metauro River in the Second Punic War, King Harold’s 220 miles in five days before the battle of Hastings or even Timmy Mallett’s 3,500km bike ride from Berkshire to Spain. Boxing all-time great Saul “Canelo” Alvarez has become the latest world-class athlete to discover the health benefits of ditching hormones-soused, antibiotics-caked, carcinogen-riddled mammal carcasses from their diet. So just who is Saul Alvarez and why is he going to kick the bejaysus out of that anyone who dares approach him?
Saul Alvarez first came to the attention of the boxing world as a teenage prodigy. In his native Mexico, boxing enjoys the kind of status enjoyed by menudo, the Catholic Church of Rome and Salma Hayek’s ass. The list of noteworthy Mexican fighters is as long as Mikhaila Peterson’s medical notes and yet still something stood out about this puckish boy. Perhaps it was his appearance, skin as freckled as a duck’s egg with the ginger hair of an Irishman but the brown, brown eyes of a Tijuanan sex worker. Maybe it was his clinical body attack, missiles raining down ruthlessly like some biblical plague on the rib cages of his opponents. Perhaps it was that hard to define x-factor, some ghostly ginger charisma that made the nation fall in love with him.
Whatever it was, Canelo was a bona fide superstar. Turning pro at 15, an age when most boys are auditioning for the Olympic plank yanking squad, he won his first 22 fights with 15 KOs. Early rumblings in Mexico turned into an earthquake as he won his first world title in America, outpointing Matthew Hatton for the WBC super welterweight strap. In Mexico, his fights drew TV audiences of up to 30 million, a quarter(!) of the total population. From light-middle to light-heavy he cut a swathe through the elite pound-for-pound talents of the sport. Erislandy Lara, Austin Trout, Miguel Cotto, Amir Khan, Danny Jacobs, Sergey Kovalev, Callum Smith, Gennady Golovkin – one by one, they all succumbed to the red menace. Future Hall of Famers bent the knee and pledged fealty. Alvarez was a pay-per-view money machine and in the sleazy scumbag-filled world of boxing that made him a god.
Where there is sleaze though you can be sure that Big Meat will be lurking like Leonardo DiCapreteen at a former Mouseketeer’s 18th birthday party. Trouble was ahead for Saul Alvarez and it was his addiction to red meat that nearly caused his permanent downfall. For in March 2018 it was announced he had tested positive for the banned substance clenbuterol. An anabolic agent, clenbuterol is used by some athletes to reduce body fat and increase lean muscle. It was a terrible bind for Canelo and he was keen to clear his name. He had never used any performance-enhancing drugs, he insisted. It was all a terrible misunderstanding. The culprit was some dirty filthy steak he had consumed while in Mexico. Some Mexican beef, it seems contains traces of clenbuterol, illegally injected as a fattening agent into the cattle.
Well isn’t that just classic animal husbandry? Is there anything they can’t taint? The boxing community were sceptical but that just goes to show what they know about meat. Clenbuterol-tainted meat is a real issue in Mexico and not some pie-in-the-sky technicality pulled out of the Canelo camp’s arse. The majority of players in an under-17 football tournament in Mexico tested positive. Small amounts below 1 ng/ml (Canelo test came back with 0.06-0.08 ng/ml) are often caused by tainted meat. Dr Daniel Eichner, head of the SMRTL lab that ran the tests, confirmed: “These values are all within the range of what is expected from meat contamination.” Canelo was clearly telling the truth and he vowed that one day he would get his revenge upon his tormentors in the animal agriculture industry. That day is now upon us as Alvarez is promoting a (mainly) vegan diet as he prepares for his upcoming light heavyweight bout with Dmitry Bivol.
“I feel very good, my body is adapting very well. My stomach feels very good. I highly recommend it,” he said.
He is quoted saying some other shit about occasionally eating meat which is almost certainly food industry propaganda which we don’t need to get into here. The fact is that Saul ‘Canelo’ Alvarez is now fully veganpilled and that anyone who denies this is a sick piece of shit. After beating Dmitry Bivol beyond death he will then come for Oleksandr Usyk and Ilunga Makabu. And when he ultimately seeks revenge on those who conspired to destroy him like The Count of Monte Cristo it will be a sorry day indeed for those boxing shills, those WBC apparatchiks, those Daniel Kinahan lackeys.
There is no such thing as Soyciety
We saw on The Game Changers documentary how many athletes were not just surviving but thriving on the vegan diet – boxer David Haye, Formula One GOAT Lewis Hamilton, perma-kneeling bench warmer Colin Kaepernick. In the world of combat sports, the mere suggestion that a competitor has been munching on broccoli provokes a Jordan Peterson-level anxiety attack from Miscers raging how men in general and sports in particular are being emasculated. Given 30 seconds on a soapbox, they will gladly cite their belief in the soy boy conspiracy theory to oestrogenise the male. The Savage doesn’t know from secret soy plots but he will say this. The beef-eating Canelo was literally cucked by a literal light-flyweight. Plant-based Canelo? Stacking mad paper, hitting mad pum-pum and catching blessings like Jon ‘Bones’ Jones catches DUI cases – regularly, persistently, like his very life depends on it. Confronted by reality, the soy boy theory folds like Will Smith in the face of his wife’s infidelity.
Mates, Canelo Alvarez is only 31. He has been fighting professionally for 16 years. It has taken him a while to get here and the violence he dished out to British contenders is as nothing to the violence he visited upon innocent cattle. Nonetheless, we welcome this redhead freak with a pound and a bearhug. He has offered us yet another propaganda victory against the cucknivore massive, a group of people sweating and farting like Ansel “Problematic” Elgort every time #MeToo starts trending. We must support him in his mission to crush the Russian infidel Dmitry Bivol, for the damas y caballeros on Cinco de Mayo weekend 7th May, scheduled for 12 rounds using the Unified Rules of the Association of Boxing Commissions at the T-Mobile Arena, Paradise, Nevada.