Table of Contents
Squad goals
You know how it is when you’re a team player. You want the guys to succeed regardless. My squad right or wrong. Of course they make mistakes, who doesn’t? You can’t abandon your boys just because they make the occasional slipup. That goes quadruple for when you are part of a small but growing minority fighting for, say, an ethical stance you strongly believe in. Let’s for the sake of argument say that the ethical stance is veganism and that your team member is Novak Djokovic. See where this is going?
Because in many ways Novak Djokovic was a godsend for the vegan community. Not just a pretty good competitor on the circuit, not just a one-and-done grand slam winner but a 20-time grand slam winner, arguably the greatest of all time and he came down firmly and vocally on the side of a plant based diet. We could scarce believe our luck. Bear in mind that the consensus female GOAT Serena Williams was mainly vegan at the time, even employing a former gangster vegan chef to prepare her meals in-between drive-bys. Initially trying the diet in solidarity with Hall of Fame sister Venus who is fully onboard the vogon wagon, Serena’s endorsement offered invaluable support, street cred and new eyes on the movement. With Martina Navratilova now fully green pilled, we had most of tennis’s Mount Rushmore ‘pon lock, with the remaining holdouts looking frankly quite silly.
So when Djokovic recently tried to force Australia to accept his unvaccinated arse into their country and their Open, many of us shuffled uncomfortably, looked at our phones and mumbled “Novak who? Not one of ours”. Then, on the secret WhatsApp chat where all registered vegans plot the downfall of carnism, a terse message to Djokovic appeared, “There’s no I in team but is a ‘u’ in cunt. GTFO before we break this racket over your head, you bloodclaat roadman.”
A terse message to Djokovic appeared, “There’s no I in team but is a ‘u’ in cunt. GTFO before we break this racket over your head, you bloodclaat roadman.”
Better off bread
Let’s place this in context. Djokovic’s hostility to vaccinations comes as part of a package deal with his wider belief in some of the sketchier practices in alternative medicine. The origin story takes place in 2010. It’s not quite Peter Parker being bit by a radioactive spider but it’s in the same ballpark. Ranked third in the world and with the 2008 Australian Open under his belt, Novak was well placed to break up the hogtied spit roast being perpetrated on the sport by world numbers 1 and 2, Roger Federer and Rafael Nadal.
Yet something was off. When he should have been on top of the world, Djokovic felt like a big bag of shit. Fatigue and shortness of breath stalked him in big games like a Steffi Graf superfan stalking Monica Seles at the German Open. He had about as much chance of breaking up the Federer-Nadal hegemony as Lena Zavaroni has of breaking up a fight between Queen Latifah and Megan thee Stallion. Something had to change.
Change came in the unlikely form of fellow Serb Dr Igor Cetojevic, specialist in “energetic medicine”. Introduced by a mutual friend, Igor (no relation) had Djokovic stretch out his left arm and press a piece of bread against his stomach. As if by magic, his arm weakened. It was almost as if gluten in the bread was DRAINING the energy from his super arm (which is definitely a thing that happens). Djokovic could not believe it.
Except he absolutely could believe it because before you know it he shitcanned gluten from his diet, strapped himself into a harness and threw himself headlong into a rabbit hole of energy woo, a hole from which he has yet to surface.
The green green glass
It went on. It got stranger. In his 2013 book ‘Serve to Win: The 14 Day Gluten-Free Plan for Physical and Mental Excellence’ he spoke about an experiment he had once seen where a researcher filled two glasses with water, shared positive energy (“love, joy, happiness”) with one and negative energy (“anger, fear, hostility”) with the other. The results were remarkable. After a few days, the positive energy glass was still crystal clear but the negative energy glass was tinted green as if algae was growing inside.
“Sounds crazy, right?” he said. I was gonna go with “dumb-as-shit” but okay. The test he refers to was carried out by fake doctor quack Masaru Emoto, who purchased his Doctor of Alternative Medicine qualification from a diploma mill and whose experimental methodology is risible. Tiny sample sizes and no randomisation or blinding immediately render his experiment as worthless as an abstinence pledge from Mel Gibson. Emoto also incidentally demonstrated that insulting rice would make it spoil raising tricky questions of what exactly rice would find insulting. For some reason, a randomised blinded attempt to replicate the rice effect came up with quite different conclusions. You might say his findings went against the grain though I’d rather you didn’t.
Novaxx seems to have quite the boner for H2O, in fact. During an Instagram Live in 2020, he had some thoughts4u on how we could depollute water. “I know some people that through that energetical transformation, through the power of prayer, through the power of gratitude, they managed to turn the most toxic food or maybe most polluted water into the most healing water”. I dunno about you, man, but I’d think twice before accepting a drink round at Novak’s.
Bad energy
Don’t imagine that his “do your own” research ends there. He has also made several visits to the natural hill formation in Visoko, Bosnia which lunatics insist are ancient man-made pyramids, a notion aggressively promoted by Bosnian businessman Semir Osmanagić. Osmanagić is an interesting one. In his 2004 book The World of the Maya, he proposes that the Mayans were aliens from the Pleiades star cluster. In it, he ponders upon their exit strategy. “Were perhaps those who were ready picked up in spaceships by their mentors from the Pleiades star cluster? Or perhaps they joined the Lords of the Galaxy and, in pods of light, set off on a journey with no return.”
Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps. Novak has no time for the skeptics though. “I know there are many doubts and dilemmas about the authenticity [of the place],” he says “In order to fully understand what is going on here… you have to come.”
He’s not done yet. Here he is on mind-reading and moving things with your mind. “You have this thing called telepathy, right? Or this thing called telekinesis, or instinct, intuition. I feel like [these] are the gifts from this higher order, the source, the god, whatever, that allows us to understand the higher power and higher order in ourselves.” Not a metaphysician mates but this make me feel like getting high.
What’s the big deal?
You might read this and say “So what? Throw a brick at a vegan gathering and you’ll hit half a dozen new-age clowns fully committed to reading the runes, raising the planet’s vibration and absolutely down with the energy delusion. They may talk an endless stream of shite but you know what they’re not doing? Killing and eating animals then turning their carcasses into bags and shoes. I find the scale of justice tipping heavily in their favour.”
And as far as that goes, I cannot argue. If wackadoodles beliefs don’t impinge on the freedoms of others then knock yourself out. It is your right as an Englishman to believe as many patently false things as your schedule can handle. And the not killing animals bit? Big fan.
It is your right as an Englishman to believe as many patently false things as your schedule can handle.
Party animal
Here’s the problem though. Beliefs govern action and when your beliefs are bad, irrational and delusional your actions will follow suit. Exhibit A. Apparently doing his very best to spread Covid, Djokovic hosted a charity exhibition tournament at the height of the pandemic, flouting every social distancing rule there was – hugging, hand shaking, window licking. Video even emerged of Djokovic partying with fellow player Grigor Dimitrov after Dimitrov had tested positive. Consider too that Novak is something of a demigod in Serbia – his influence is huge. Serb journalist Marija Vucic has observed how his vaccine hesitancy has strengthened the anti-vaxx movement in the country. Once public, your beliefs are no longer your own. This is how the personal becomes political.
Tragedy and farce
It is a difficult dilemma and we’ve been here before. Back in the day before The Game Changers gave us a one-stop shop to debunk all Stone Age notions of veganism being a nutritionally deficient diet that couldn’t possibly support the taxing needs of a professional athlete, it was great to cite someone like Tim Shieff. Sure, we didn’t exactly know what parkour was but once we saw the clips we absolutely got the idea – it was f*cking mental and required a high level of physical fitness. So an ethical vegan successfully engaging in such activity was a huge help. So we welcomed him, nurtured him and applauded as he launched his ETHCS clothing line.
Long-time readers will know the rest. Tim tail spun into Flat Earth conspiracies, naked anti-lockdown goonery and urine therapy. It was embarrassing but what were we to do – abandon a true ally just because of a few eccentricities? There was no simple answer although it did seem at times that Tim was dying for us to make the decision for him. He saved us the trouble when in 2019 he came out as no longer vegan. He hoped we would understand that this was just part of his journey and maintained that to kill an animal with his bare hands could be the “most vegan” thing he could do. Let’s just say that this split opinion in the community.
Tim maintained that to kill an animal with his bare hands could be the “most vegan” thing he could do. Let’s just say that this split opinion in the community.
Chad karma
Tim fell off quite spectacularly but he was far from alone. Weightlifting Chad Jon Venus built the body of a Greek God without animal products, simultaneously building a powerful online following extolling the virtues of a plant-based diet for athletic activity. He also decried the wickedness of animal husbandry. All was good in the hood and he received the plaudits from the plant-based massive. Having married into a family of hunters however, the cracks began to show. Observers worried that this may affect Jon and his choices. They were proved spot-on when in 2019 Jon announced that he had fallen off the vegan wagon and was bouncing down the road to offal munching, sustainable fishing and Joe Rogan-style elk hunting. It was all terribly disappointing.
Since then, Penus has gone in-and-out of veganism in an ethical hokey-cokey that no one, including him, can seem to keep up with. This crazy mixed-up kid spends a lot of time apologising and a lot of time telling people to be kind. He’s a flaky dude, what can you do? Learn from history, perhaps?
The ex factor
My personal belief with Djokovic is that he will go back to eating animal products at some point in his future. He meets many of the commonalities we associate with those influencers who abandon the movement. The Savage is not a clairvoyant, he just thinks it’s on the cards. That said, while he remains in the gang I am very happy to cite him as an example of god-tier achievements on a vegan diet. He won grand slams powered by plants and that at least they will never take away from us. Is he one of the movement’s foremost thinkers? I think it’s safe to say he is not and we would definitely be in trouble if that were true. So I’m happy to deal with our problematic faves on a case-by-case basis. That’s not always easy to do so here are some guidelines.
Do’s and don’ts
Do give credit where it’s due
Let’s begin by acknowledging that we are conflicted souls in an imperfect world trying our best not to screw the pooch. So whenever a celeb declares for the plant-based team for whatever reason it’s entirely appropriate to give them a pound and a bear hug to send them on their way. Everyone starts somewhere and it’s good policy to give them the benefit of the doubt. You may privately harbour suspicions that a few years down the line they will be working the primal keto grift extolling the virtues of sabretooth tiger meat but we can cross that suspension bridge if and when we get to it. I won’t go so far to say that beggars can’t be choosers but we are about 1% of the population so while it’s great to be in an exclusive club it’s not so great to get your throat cut and end up on a kebab skewer.
While it’s great to be in an exclusive club it’s not so great to get your throat cut and end up on a kebab skewer.
Do not defend the indefensible
The other side of that coin is when your problematic fave is dubious/dumb/obnoxious you make it clear that this does not represent you in particular or veganism in general. It doesn’t have to be at the level of Fully Raw Kristina platforming Nazis – it could be Tim Shieff harassing his “little Asian man” or Freelee The Banana Girl‘s claim that menstruation is “toxicity leaving the body”. Whatever the offence is, it behoves you to be the ”bro, not cool!” guy from the Gillette advert and gently but firmly tell your ace of the error of their ways.
Do get suspicious when you hear the word nature
When Rawvana refused to take antibiotics for her gut condition she did so because those oblong tablets were not natural. She is of course, correct. Prescription antibiotics do not occur in nature. They do however save millions of lives annually and prevent untold misery (until the antibiotics resistance timebomb goes off which is a whole nother story). Rawvana’s choice set her down the path to animal products faster than Bluetones frontman Mark Morriss after a vulnerable single mother. The appeal to nature fallacy is a red flag indicating that now may be a good time to start distancing yourself.
Do not trust those who overreach
It’s great to hear people’s positive experiences on a vegan diet. Such testimony is a big part of presenting the lifestyle as attractive to would-be converts. But the moment you hear inflated claims about veganism from your fave it’s time to press pause. Yes, he is currently on your side but your boy is not credible and that’s a problem. Because it was the same Tim Shieff who claimed “Before becoming a vegan my joints hurt. After becoming vegan… my recovery time’s non-existent. Little or no muscle soreness. I can run forever.” who went on to say after one bite of fish “My depression lifted, joints feeling a lot better, energy back in my body.” The cycle of abuse of the truth never ends. Those who live by the dicey claim will die by it.
Just stick to the facts, man
The wonderful thing about picking your battles is the flexibility it gives you. You can celebrate Novak Djokovic in all his GOAT-y splendour as an example of plant based supremacy, with a clear conscience, particularly when he explicitly draws attention to animal slaughter. The health argument for veganism is strong, the animal welfare argument is bulletproof, the environmental argument is disputed only by cranks and fools. Many omnis already know this. It’s just when you start colouring outside the lines, giving Djokovic a pass for his sundry lunacies or worse, agreeing with them that things will get dicey.
Sin pity
Veganism needs to be a broad church – this part is non-negotiable. Giving an unqualified welcome to crank antiscience beliefs though is neither smart nor sustainable. Make it clear that while you support his diet, you do not support his absurd scientifically illiterate vaccine hesitancy or whatever those doughnuts are calling it these days.
Yeah, it’s a tightrope but it’s one you need to walk. Be on some Saint Augustine shit like “love the sinner, hate the sin”.