UPDATE 2020: The Savage’s response to Tim’s ass-out London anti-mask walk.
Now your animal’s gone
Life comes at you fast, man. One minute you’re Tim Shieff, respected free runner and the poster boy for plant-based athletic excellence, the next you’re Rim Sheath, human piñata threatening to tear apart a defenceless animal with your bare hands. Confidence is a preference for the habitual participant in what is known as parkour life and our boy is definitely not lacking in that. Having won the Barclaycard World Freerun Championship in 2009, Tim gained himself a name, a following and a brand that enabled him to make pavement bothering his full-time gig. Publicly turning vegan in 2012 gave him new fans, a new passion, even an ethical clothing company ETHCS.
“Before becoming a vegan my joints hurt. After becoming vegan… my recovery time’s non-existent,” he said, “Little or no muscle soreness. I can run forever.” A powerful testimonial on the possibilities for plant-based athletes. The move worked out well for both him and the vegan movement. Everyone was happy and all was well in the Garden of Earthly Delights. Reneging was always going to have consequences. Brethren, should you ever find yourself in the position of vegan-turned-murderer pray that you do it in the privacy of your own home and not in the unforgiving glare of the public eye. Vogons are notoriously unforgiving.
Salmon chanted evening
The signs were there. In 2018, Tim admitted to eating fish and eggs when he wasn’t quite at his best.1 This in itself is no big deal. Plenty of vogons lapse from time to time for any number of reasons and the world still spins on its axis. The Savage is not here to judge.a We reduce the harm we do as far as is reasonable in the given circumstances of that day. We are all born frail,b in sinc and subject to the whims of our biology, psychology and society.
Naw, man – it ain’t even about that. If Tim cracked open a couple of eggs and finished off some wild salmon when temporarily incapacitated then he’d still be very much in karmic credit, trying his damnedest in a harsh world while advocating a vogon lifestyle to his sizeable social media following. Big picture: forego condemnation and let the better angels of our nature prevail.
But of course, it doesn’t stop there, does it? As with all drama queens, the law of diminishing returns applies. They will always seek the next big high. The canard that veganism causes ill-health was planted in what passes for his mind and when you water that seed with the prospect of even more attention which rejection promises then there was really only one outcome. In a series of interviews, publicity-shy Tim took to the newspapers and national TV to announce his return to an omnivorous diet.2 How reluctantly he came forward! Such bravery! He would be available for interviews for the next several weeks.
“My depression lifted, joints feeling a lot better, energy back in my body.”
Wait, the same joints healed by veganism just years earlier? There’s a turn-up. An entirely predictable backlash ensued. Tim ran the gauntlet of furious vogons telling him to kill himself and that they would spit on him in the street if they saw him. Hey, good luck with that – have you seen how he walks down the street?
Come as you are
Emboldened by the return to omnivorism, Tim made further bold claims about meat’s magical properties. He went so far as to blame his vegan diet for his inability to orgasm.
“The first night after I had that salmon, I had a wet dream.”3
Oh dear. Where to begin with this one? We hopefully can rule out some kind of Troy McClure fish fetish. I don’t know who or what Tim’s banging but I’m fairly certain that reduced arteriosclerosis is not inhibiting blood flow to his nether regions or indeed any regions. Orgasm inhibitors do exist, (in ur girlfriend’s mood stabilisers for example), but they are not a factor in a plant-based diet. It is a particularly noxious strain of magical thinking with no basis in science. In any event, we all know that if it’s someone you truly love, then you will orgasm like a bastard. Tim just needs to jerk off over himself. His mirror will look like a plasterer’s radio in no time.
As with many people who switch sides unbidden, Tim’s conversion comes from a fundamental misunderstanding in the first instance. Veganism is no more a magic bullet for your health than it is a death sentence. Every potential benefit comes with riders and caveats that the weak-minded are keen to ignore. Paint it how you like – the cancer-curing, bone-healing, elixir of life narrative peddled by dipshits is exactly the kind of antiscience woo garbage we need to get away from.
Drink yourself, silly
Here’s where we get to the problem – this kid’s as thick as mince. Let’s try his adherence to urine therapy, known to you and me as piss drinking. This ancient remedy, championed by dopey seventies actress Sarah Miles, cracka-ass cracker Ke$ha and human punchbag Juan Manuel Marquez is perhaps the most deranged practice in the new-age quack repertoire.4 It speaks to the relentless narcissism of its adherents that drinking their own waste products seems like not only a good idea but the best idea. Ur pee-pee is “from you and it’s for you,” Tim insisted with the insight and profundity of a Hallmark greeting card, the ultimate snake oil dribbling from his two-inch wiener. Jesus Christ. Couldn’t just have a beer, could he?
Life in the fast lame
So small wonder that he went on a 35-day water fast. For those not familiar with water fasting, the tl;dr is starving yourself like a little bitch. The Bobby Sands diet has its adherents among the mentally ill, terminally deluded and spiritually broken but there is no serious debate outside of these dank circles. The science is in.5 Do it for a couple of days and The Savage will look the other way but water fasting that lasts longer than 72 hours is deranged, dangerous and colossally stupid. How do these people survive into adulthood? Because it ain’t the fucking salmon.
Earth to Tim
It continues. It gets worse. Tim is a Flat Earther. The gold standard of dumb Internet crankdom, the Flat Earth community found fertile soil in Tim’s shit brain and watched approvingly as their dingbat theories came to glorious fruition on his Twitter account. “I asked every question and used every rationalisation to defend my globular earth programming. It was a laughing matter. The math didn’t lie. Math doesn’t lie.” Well, it’s definitely a laughing matter, I’ll give him that. The pro-conspiracy fucknuts of Flat Eartherism are exactly the kind of hippie shit bags The Savage has spent hours berating at parties. Of course, Tim fell for their bullshit. It’s who he is.
Killing in the name of
And yet still it’s not enough. It never is. Not merely content with pissing all over his cruelty-free legacy, he stated in April that he now needed to kill an animal himself.
“I do feel like the next stage for me is to kill an animal myself. I’ve got to really face this.”6
I’ll give him this, when Tim decides on a course he truly commits to it. Until he doesn’t. Kill yourself an animal? Have at it, mate. Maybe start with a crocodile – you unarmed, he three-days starved. I suspect Tim has been watching too much of Hoe Rogan‘s podcast and now sees himself as the apex predator of the ecosystem, an indispensable cog in the machine.
“I think a cow, grass-fed, could be the most vegan product in terms of food because one animal could sustain someone for three months,” he said in an object study of missing the point. A lot of things could be the most vegan if you ignore every accepted definition of the word but facts are facts and language matters. Son, look at what you’ve become. No one stuck a hunting knife to your throat and demanded you publicly turned vegan, no more than anyone asked you to publicly drink urine. And yet here we stand, hearing about you and whatever bullshit you’re on this week. Mightn’t we learn from this? Could the cycle of self-abuse be broken?
It’s not you – it’s me, me, me
Ah, fat chance of that. Maybe it is naïve to be surprised that kind of man who makes his living jumping off walls, sliding down bannisters, doing a gambol then waiting for a GoPro sponsorship should be unravelling like the lining of your dad’s colon after his 497th steak of the year. Even so, and even allowing for the blank conceit of his carefully constructed brand, this is some pretty grim sauce. Much like Anne Hathaway framing whatever bullshit eating disorder starvation diet she’s currently adopting as a rejection of veganism, Tim has a pathological need to make it all about him. This, we must resist. Everything Tim Shieff says is accompanied by the breath of dehydrated stale piss and should be roundly ignored.
a Fuck you. The Savage is absolutely here to judge and he judges you all to be wanting.
b Fuck you. The Savage was born a feral wildling with the heart of a lion, the spleen of an ox and the balls of a rhinoceros.
c Fuck you. The Savage manifested with the soul as pure as a 14-year-old girl guide selling cruelty-free cookies in the Antarctic.
- Plant-Based Athlete Tim Shieff Admits To Eating Eggs And Fish – Plant Based News
- A Big Vegan YouTuber Is Leaving Veganism After He Broke Down And Ate Raw Eggs After A 35-Day Water Fast – BuzzFeed
- This Man Couldn’t Orgasm—and He’s Blaming It on His Vegan Diet – health.com
- Classic FYI: Is It Ever OK To Drink Your Own Urine? – Popular Science
- ‘Water fasting’ is the next extreme fad diet no one should try – Los Angeles Times
- Former Vegan Tim Shieff: ‘The Next Step Is To Kill An Animal Myself’ – Plant Based News