Miley Cyrus eats with the fishes – puking seals and the 170 million people problem

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August 27, 2020

Another one just like the other one

Oh Miley. We were rooting for you. Okay, that's not entirely true. I'm not 100% sure I even knew you were vegan. Ariana Grande sure, Billie Eilish definitely and the chances of anyone forgetting that manlet giga-nause Moby was vegan are as slim as his chances of slipping his two-inch dingus into Natalie Portman again. You though? I vaguely recall hearing something about some hens in your backyard (not a euphemism). I may have heard it somewhere, equally I may not. The point remains. If we had, at some point, heard about you joining the club we would have sincerely supported you for doing The Thing. And now that you have stopped doing The Thing, we grieve as earnestly as we would over any plant-based celeb who found the rigours of our piss-easy diet too much. Let us pour one out for your previous vegan status and wave it off as it glides on the boat into the underworld to join Tim Shieff, Jon Venus, Rawvana and the rest of the lads.

So yeah, if you haven't heard Miley Cyrus is no longer vegan and the sun comes up a little duller this morning. No one is going to claim this Miley is one of our great thought leaders but with 115 million Instagram followers, 45 million Twitter followers and 14 million YouTube subscribers she has the kind of reach into young minds that Humbert Humbert could only dream of. That's a kick in the tits for us because, as much as many vogons will go the line that 'she was never really vegan' line, a stance that is seldom helpful, her falling off the wagon has the effect of making us like a bunch of Charlies.

With 115 million Instagram followers, 45 million Twitter followers and 14 million YouTube subscribers she has the kind of reach into young minds that Humbert Humbert could only dream of.

All I wanted was to break your walls

And of course, it was on Joe Rogan Experience that she made the announcement. For all his many sins we can't blame Hoe for this one. He has the biggest podcast in the history of forever, Miley chose the platform and spoke her truth to his trillions of listeners. That her truth did not always line up with objective truth is not something we can lay at Hoe's door. He's just asking questions, man as he will gladly tell you.

Having been down this road a few times we could predict with some accuracy what was coming next. I see issues with brain function and a big plate of fish. "At one point I think I was pretty malnutrition," she told Joe. That's that extra fish brain boost in action. "I’ve had to introduce fish and omegas into my life because my brain wasn’t functioning properly". Miley confides how she experienced hip pain and put that down to her diet. Naturally, followers of Jordan Peterson's carnivore diet will see this as vindication of their miracle cure as they fart the Macarena in-between their daily 45 trips to the toilet mandated on their completely scientific and not-at-all psychotic diet. As any general practitioner of medicine afforded a rare moment to chat candidly will tell you, laypeople have all kinds of explanations for their aches and pains that they personally find very satisfying. That bout of the sniffles is meningitis; the tiredness from overwork is post viral fatigue; that STD you picked up on the road: kidney stones. A single good reason for believing any of these self-diagnosed crocks? Nah, fam.

Naturally, followers of Jordan Peterson's carnivore diet will see this as vindication of their miracle cure as they fart the Macarena in-between their daily 45 trips to the toilet mandated on their completely scientific and not-at-all psychotic diet.

Seals the deal

That's just not how it works. Typically, when looking at a health issue you would try and eliminate other factors or potential causes. So you would look at lifestyle and see if there are any things that might potentially aggravate the problems the person is experiencing. What you say, Miley – do you think maybe the boozing, drugs and the Hannah Montana factor could conceivably be an issue in your poor health? Six months sober, she says she feels better since she stopped boozing. Without knowing the exact timeline it's hard to say but mightn't that be a more likely factor in improved brain function?

And how about that drug use? No one's narc shaming here but Miley took the decision to turn vegan after puking up seals while on a powerful hallucinogen. I’ve heard my fair share of vegan origin stories. Some just gradually drifted into it, gently eliminating animal products over the years. Some watched Dominion and transitioned overnight. Some were weightlifting brahs who saw the health benefits and took it from there. Regurgitating pinnipeds while tripping balls on ayahuasca though? I will confess this a first.

Chain, keep us together 

Seal
FFS lads, run for your lives –it's Cyrus!

To deal with the omega-3 issue, it remains true that fish are rich in two of the three most important omega-3 fatty acids DHA and EPA, the third ALA being found mostly in plants. Ground linseed, chia seeds or hemp seeds are good sources of ALA for vegans, which can in turn be converted into the longer chain DHA by the body. Recall too that “the brain DHA requirement is estimated to be only 2.4–3.8 mg/day in humans”1 and there are 2.4 grams (2,400 mg) in each tablespoon of ground linseed. So, even at the conservative estimated conversion rate of 1% (more realistic is 3.5%) two tablespoons of linseed would see you over the DHA requirement. There is also the evidence that non-fish eaters convert at a higher rate.2 As for EPA, there are many vegan supplements available to dose you up with more than you could possibly need. Seriously, I should have business cards printed with "just take the f*cking supplement" on them and hand them out at every award ceremony or influencer's retreat.

Leaving all that aside, there's the ever-present issue that we don't really know what Miley Cyrus's diet looks like. We suspect it was probably horrific as, whenever we do get a decent look at a former vegan’s dietary habits, they uniformly are. Without exception

The numbers game

She says she has 22 animals on her farm, and another 22 in her house and that this shows she is doing what she needs to do for the animals. That’s great as far as it goes, chuck, but you could be doing so much better with minimal effort. All you needed to do was sincerely think for a minute about the logic of your beliefs and your solution to your problems. It would quickly become clear that even if your diet was the root cause that very simple tweaks, all of them plant-based, would see you back to a healthy nutritional profile again.

Those 44 animals who owe their lives to you may well crow, bark and bleat their thanks each morning and night but there is a bigger issue at hand. The myth that veganism is malnutrition kills animals. It’s hard to say how many but certainly many more than the 44 gambolling around your farm. With you spreading that myth among your 170 million followers among Joe Rogan’s 15 million followers that does incalculable damage to the cause and the animals you profess to love. It's suboptimal, man, and so easily avoidable.

Leave Miley alone!

I don’t doubt that Miley is a decent person who is terribly fond of her furry friends. She says she cried the first time she ate fish again and I believe her. Factor in her weird childhood, shitty borefriends and drug abuse and you realise there's a lot to unpack there. The parade of child stars Hollywood has devoured and shat over a cliff is a sobering one. Judy Garland, Corey Feldman, Drew Barrymore, River Phoenix and Lindsay Lohan could tell you a tale on that one. So while it's tempting to bash Miley mercilessly it's worth remembering that she's an imperfect girl in an imperfect world, her agency compromised by bad timing, bad advice and intimate public contact with Robin Thicke's two-inch dong. Love the sinner, hate the sin. I'm cutting the broad some slack.

I see that skank anywhere even near an Elk herd, though, and that deal is off the table.

170 million though. What a life.

Footnotes

  1. Is docosahexaenoic acid synthesis from α-linolenic acid sufficient to supply the adult brain - Progress in Lipid Research
  2. Estimated conversion of α‐linolenic acid to long chain n‐3 polyunsaturated fatty acids is greater than expected in non fish‐eating vegetarians and non fish‐eating meat‐eaters than in fish‐eaters - The British Dietetic Association

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