Get down with O.L.B.
You know how it goes. Do something of consequence, however minor, and there’s gonna be some oversensitive little bitch whining like an oversensitive little bitch and generally being an O.L.B. about it. It is a natural law as immutable and constant as the speed of light. It might be a scrub politician exclaiming that veganism must be stopped. It could be a dopey vegan suing Burger King over the Impossible Whopper. It may even be Jordung Peterson complaining how people were mean to him on the Internet. Sucking the joy out of every situation, these narks are an ongoing pain in the balls. Offering no solutions of their own, they are the mosquito bites on the nut sack of life. You may know them by their puritanical glares, slapped arse faces and pig sick energy.
That truth brings us to the Oatly Help Dad campaign. The plant milk giant shows us a series of scenarios where well-meaning teens aware their patriarch on the evils of cow’s milk, terrorising him into submission by withholding their affection and dangling their judgement over him like they might the keys to his second-hand sports car over a storm drain. The ads are punchy and surefooted with a lightness of touch, portraying ancient intergenerational arguments in a modern setting. It’s a problem pretty much every parent will face. You raise your kids to do the right thing and then they expect you to do the same. The nerve of these little shits! Do they wanna pay the mortgage? Some rent would be a start. These people.
So you get the picture. Dad’s a good dude but the world has passed him by. No one made a thing about pronouns, climate change or milk when he was young and that was like yesterday. He doesn’t want to be that guy – has he become that guy? It falls to the youth to step in and help him live his best life. No harm, no foul. Literally no one could reasonably be offended by this.
Taking it up the Twitter
But there’s always one or in this case several. Upon viewing the advert some felt it Went Too Far for reasons they pulled out of their collective arse. Get a load of these Twitter gonks.
@H*****93 Absolutely disgusted at the #oatly advert making light of alcoholism to market their products.
@R*******g Really not liking the new ad @oatly Thought it was dealing with the huge subject of #alcoholism It’s in poor taste #oatly gross and upsetting ads making light of addiction and alcoholism, turning interventions into moralism and moralism into marketing. Oatly going for PETA’s belt
@j******y· I like @OatlyUK but the new ads are really bad. Whoever thought making ads that make drinking milk sound like someone with an alcohol problem is an idiot. I found them very belittling to people who actually have alcohol addictions or family members that do. Not cool Oatly.
@Z*****y wow, that has to be one of the most out it order adverts ever. Likening drinking cows milk to alcoholism is, quite simply, wrong I’d be interested in seeing what any support organisations thought.
@P*****e @oatly dont like your advert looks as though the son is abusing his Dad the way he is talking to him. I notice there are others saying it is mocking alcoholism. Please reconsider your advert and re run it. @AlcoResearchUK
Half cut, full bore
You do wonder where these people get off and what campaign they actually watched. Did they see some kind of Nil by Mouth homage where Ray Winstone beats Kathy Burke unconscious with a tin of condensed milk? I saw a perfectly serviceable light-hearted take on people who have difficulty giving up a much-loved foodstuff. I saw that because that’s what it is. Any terrible mocking of addiction or alcoholism you saw is entirely your own projection. If any of you had grown up in an alcoholic household you would know that there are worse things to worry about than an oat milk advert and that heart-to-hearts, where you talk down to your pissed dad, are not really a thing. Have a drink and chill.
Goddamn it, you people are the living end. Isn’t it enough for you that vegans nause people out, even when they aren’t doing anything wrong? You think that stuffing our enemies’ armouries with ammunition to last them a year is a good idea? You really think this is a hill worth dying on? Well, have at it chump but know this: every impression of veganism as a fun-free puritanical chore hurts the movement and gets animals killed. Sometimes you just have to suck it up and bite your tongue, even when you feel awfully aggrieved. When you’re thinking of running your mouth on an issue like this try this thought experiment – would a normal person say this? It is the kind of thing regular folk get angry about? If the answer is no then my strong advice is to forego your hot take and sit this one out. It may be one of those things you are not entirely correct on.
The devil made me do it
It’s not like Oatly are beyond criticism. Accepting a $200 million investment from a consortium including luciferous Trump dick rider and rainforest annihilator Stephen Schwarzman via his Wolfram & Hart aping private equity company Blackstone understandably raised a few eyebrows. It was the closest thing to a deal with the devil this side of early delta blues, although it should be pointed out that the much-maligned consortium also included billionaire philanthropist Oprah Winfrey, celebrity husbland Jay-Z and vegan manlet-banging Natalie Portman, liberal entertainers whose only “crimes” are cannibalism, destroying democracy and industrialised child rape.
Then there was the time in 2015 they sold 30 per cent of their company to state-owned investment company China Resources. Anyone who knows China’s record on animal rights, human rights, carbon emissions and the whole genocide thing was absolutely justified in questioning whether an ethical company should be jumping into bed with such a regime. Oatly argued that they gave up the stake to become part of the Chinese dairy market which is about to become the biggest in the world. There is some truth in this. Alpro, Soya Soleil and Linda McCartney faced similar reproval over their parent companies. You can at least see the case that once you get to a certain size, the potential to make real lasting change emerges making any qualms you may have about the money that makes it happen a little self-indulgent. Still and all, any scrutiny and criticism along these lines – totally legitimate. “I think this glass of milk is really a beer”, though? Get the friggedy fruck out of here.
Will the campaign make a difference? Who the ever-loving frak knows? The answers to such questions are as much a mystery as the continued success of Lames Cordung, Keith Lemon and Jameela Jamil. It has though struck a chord with one broadsheet journalist who sees echoes of Help Dad in his own life with his daughters. In his article, I’m a Shit Human Being and An Even Worse Parent, Stefano Hatfield explores the parent-child dynamic as the offspring grow up and start to have ideas of their own – challenging, disruptive ideas like avoiding unnecessary slaughter and ecological catastrophe.
Remember fam, as often as the times make the people, the people make the times. Engaging in meaningless turd jousts with companies who, while imperfect, are clearly on the side of the angels is a punk move. Put the scold on hold. Keep your eyes on the prize, marching forward in a united front towards the cucknivore citadels to destroy the omni fallacy for good and all.