It’s like you can’t even bust a nut these days without people getting all up in your business. That’s particularly true if you talk about it loudly on multiple media outlets over a period of several years. It is not the first time vegan bodybuilder/personal trainer/influencer/philanthropist Tracy Kiss has appeared on our radar but the revelation this week that she is chugging down her patented spunk smoothies to help ward off coronavirus merits our attention and, yes, an intervention.
Tracy is best known for her 2014 video where she gives herself a semen facial for her complexion, specifically her rosacea. Tracy assured her followers that the science was legit and that the zinc, iron and vitamin K would transform their bag of shit faces into something approaching a human visog that would be bearable for their peers. The video went viral, accompanied by thousands of comments from men saying “I’d like to give her a face full of cum!” – jokes literally only a comedy genius could have thought of. It is just about possible that Tracy anticipated the combination of semen and a glamour model’s face would attract this kind of attention and perhaps actively sought it out. Such conjectural musings will only get us so far. Likewise, we may never know if her milf content on OnlyFans includes as an insane-but-still-hot aunt at a wedding who tugs you off under the tablecloth. What a world, what a life.
Now, the science bit
In these challenging times, re-purposing old material feels as much a duty as a recommendation. So, we absolutely applaud Tracy putting a fresh coronavirus spin on her spunk story, if only from a sustainability point of view. Graduating from cum facials to cum smoothies and urging her 3.6 million followers to follow suit is a great idea. Tracy recommends consuming the cum as close to production as possible but freezing it in ice cube trays if you intend to eat it later. That particular life hack should come with a caveat to mark the spunk tray clearly but regrettably doesn’t.
She insists that the man goo is vegan friendly as there is no dairy or animal produce in there. Much like your girlfriend when presented with your two-inch dong on your birthday, I won’t even touch that one. She gushes how semen is “nature’s very own multivitamin for free” although it seems likely that, much as there is no such thing as a free lunch, there is no such thing as a free faceful of cum. And while there are vitamins in jizz, the average ejaculate loving-spoonful of 5 ml is not going to affect your health or nutrition in any significant way.
The claims pile up like a loss adjuster’s inbox during a three-week holiday. She says that spooge is a natural antidepressant, an assertion so ridiculous you know there have to be some daft studies backing it up and indeed there are. It’s really not so crazy. Seminal plasma contains oestrogen and prostaglandins, both linked with antidepressant effects, and oxytocin which promotes social bonding. The findings in those studies have been criticised but Tracy ain’t trying to hear that.
Her Facebook page is quite a trip. She asks her fans to rate her hair, tattoos and nails out of 10 and gets comments like “look at this boobs guys😱🤦♂️” (thanks, Donald Cooper of Friendzone, Kentucky). She delivers a punishing regime of inspo platitudes about loving yourself and trusting your instincts, eagerly lapped up by her massive. Her fans are uniformly men of d’une certaine age and d’une certaine type. It would be ungallant to call them emotionally crippled shitsacks careering through midlife crises certain to end in suicide but there’s no other way to accurately describe them. So much of the Facebook action is Tracy posting “you deserve BETTER!” followed by John from Hertfordshire saying “So true Tracy live and learn. That’s life. Have a beautiful day to match yourself” or “I know it’s Tough on You but You are, Strong- Willed very Intelligent ” Beautiful ” Young Woman and You care about other People and your “Body” is Mind Blowing “You take Care and be Safe””.
You get the picture.
Don’t imagine that Tracy is naïve in any of this. She has a knack for placing human interest stories in dailies with good viral potential. Her official character arc is that of a scorned mother who took to posting ‘feeling cute – might delete later’ shots on Instagram after splitting up with her borefriend. Having been a glamour model from the age of 18, it wasn’t exactly new territory for her but she worked that angle relentlessly to garner herself an impressive online following. Just recently, she posted emotionally about a painful breakup during lockdown. She was dating some dude called Freddy Shaw who she auditioned at a fertility clinic before pursuing a relationship. Then there was the time she made a necklace from her own labia after having her fanny trimmed because reasons. She knows how to work the tabloids. In writing about Tracy, we are playing her game.
She’s for real
One thing we should say in fairness is that Tracy has not just turned vegan overnight to ride any convenient wave. She’s been posting vegan content on her Twitter since 2015 so on that count at least we can exonerate her. And The Savage is not here to slut shame Tracy Kiss. The only time he slut shames is when your girlfriend comes over because she’s into that. Her OnlyFans hustle is what it is and, without knowing the details, it seems likely that she works hard for the money. She doesn’t seem like a bad old stick and doesn’t seem to fly too many of the blaring red flags we see from future former vegans.
So, the question is really about optics. Is this a good look for the movement? We can agree that it would have been for the better if the likes of Raw Alignment, Tim Shieff and Jon Venus were never associated with us in the first place. The fewer pseudoscience shitbirds on the squad the better. So in the middle of a worldwide pandemic, telling your 3 million fans that chugging down spunk boosts your immunity to Covid-19 is irresponsible. Not so much because a large number of them are likely to ignore social distancing, throw off their facemask and start downing cumshots. Unless I have seriously misjudged reply guy white knights, that is not their stilo. No, it’s more that it makes us look like a bunch of illiterate cranks.
Should we care? You’re goddamn right we should. Vegan-curious cucknivores are already twitchy around the likes of dead-eyed loon Joey Carbstrong and honking ratchet Freelee The Banana Girl. The very last thing we need is to give them another reason to dismiss veganism as a fad and the vegan community as a home for fringe wackjobs. People ultimately want to see themselves in any putative role model. They want to say to themselves “Say, that James ‘Lightning’ Wilks of The Game Changers – he looks like the kind of freewheeling get-ahead trained killer I hope to someday become. Furthermore, the scientific literacy he showcased when annihilating Chris Kresser on the Joe Rogan Experience is something else to which I aspire. You won’t catch James trolling around the country with smelly hippies doing the Pube of Truth to ever-dwindling crowds of bemused neds.”
Or they might say “Paul McCartney – there’s an Everyman musical genius I can get behind. You don’t see him pissing everyone off with his needy bullshit”, or even “lifelong vegan Peter Dinklage put in the performance of a lifetime as Tyrion Lannister and gave me a whole new perspective on degenerate alcoholic little people. I can imagine myself following a similar diet to someone like that. His boy, Bron too.”
You get me? By all means, do your clickbait thing on your own time and reap whatever rewards are forthcoming. If you’re going to engage in this foolishness while attaching vegan bodybuilder/influencer/magician to your brand then you become a problem. We have more than enough dingbats, past and present, to be getting on with. We will not be marginalised into some new-age pseudoscience ghetto.
Mainstream or death, tbh.