Xmas to excess
Let’s get a few things straight shall we? Like Jack Torrance addressing Lloyd in The Shining, The Savage has been away a while but now he’s back. Yes, he took a month off for a break as deserved as the multiple life-threatening beatings R. Kelly will get in the supermax once Alderman Ronin Gibbons fails to nobble the jury in the noncing trial he’s been dodging for the past decade and the piss-faced crooner finally gets what’s coming to him. Yes, he has been dodging calls like Prince Andrew’s PR girl, smoking blunts like Elon Musk and smacking cranks like the Pope. Motherfucker, what?
Yes, he has, over the Christmas period, worked his way through a succession of seitan logs like Leonardo DiCapreteen working his way through a succession of 7/10 Hollywood hand models barely old enough to remember Obama. And yes, he has subjected himself to the kind of punishing alcohol consumption that would make a prime Judy Finnigan herself be like “mother of shit, give a drunken lush a chance to catch up”.
But now he’s back, replenished and renewed, to cast his steely eye over the plant-based landscape. As the decade laughably known as the 2010s got its throat cut and body dumped in a sewer, and its crack baby offspring, the 2020s slithered out of its broken, beaten snatch, coughing and spluttering like a Geldof accidentally tasting alcohol-free liquor for the first time, many chess pieces moved around the board.
Sport for all
Attention-seeking weirdy Jordi Casamitjana made us all look like a bunch of chamberpot emptiers with his employment tribunal against his former employers, The League Against Cruel Sports.1 Casamitjana argued that he was sacked because of his beliefs, specifically his belief that it was okay to do his job in a really half-assed mannera and stink the place out with his needy bullshit.b
Jordi successfully convinced the judge at his tribunal that ethical veganism is in fact a philosophical belief that should receive the same protection as religion in British workplaces. With that specific ruling, The Savage can have no quarrel. All faith is barbarism after all and the idea that ethical veganism (distinct from a plant-based diet) is somehow lesser than the bullshit Abrahamic faiths or Eastern cults is obviously laughable. And the tests that a belief must pass under the Equality Act of 2010 to qualify as protected, don’t seem much of a problem.
The tests, FYI, are:
That the belief must be genuinely held (so eat a dick, the tedious tryhards of Pastafarianism);
That it must be a belief – an opinion or a viewpoint will not be enough;
That it must be a belief as to a weighty and substantial aspect of human life;
That it must attain a certain level of cogency, seriousness, cohesion and importance; and
That it must be worthy of respect in a democratic society and not be incompatible with human dignity and/or not conflict with the fundamental rights of others.2
Consequently, The Savage can have no more figurative beef with the detail of the ruling than he can have literal beef with his three nut roast. So why then, whenever Jordi Casamitjana is mentioned does he have a look on his face as sour as the one on Rupert Murdoch’s when he discovered he was being cucked by high-T bull Tonty Blair? It is likely to do with the overall impression he gives. He looks like one of those dudes who’s just always there, nausing you out over some completely trivial bullshit. He comes across as one of those people who are never more than six feet away from a drama at any given time, like a hapless New Yorker in perpetual proximity to a rat.
A dig into his tribunal testimony, confirms the worst. Not only does he proudly say how he avoids public transport to avoid any accidental crashes with birds or insects, he says that he will avoid touching leather straps on buses on the occasions he is forced to use them. We are clearly in puritan shitbird territory here and it’s important not to let the Casamitjanas of this world off the hook. Live whatever douchey existence suits you when you’re keeping it to yourself but once you’re in the public eye, you have a responsibility to the movement to tone down the symptoms of your mental illness. That way, we’ll know it’s not just all about you.
Nothing kills more animals than the perception of ethical veganism as a crank niche. With the huge strides we’ve made in the last few years, we need Casamitjana and his feeble old bollocks like we need the reanimated corpse of Jimmy Savile fronting a PETA campaign. Like a Conservative party election campaign where they hold the freaks chained to a radiator in the basement for six weeks, feeding them raw steak once a day, you keep people like this out of spaces where they can do damage. The Savage will take some persuading that Casamitjana is not some black propaganda PSYOP from Big Meat to demonise, demoralise and divide the righteous.
Still, you can always trust the enemy to serve up two shitheads for every one we produce and they delivered a solid piñata this week in the form of celebrity shit eater Dan Wootton. Briefly raising his snout from the trough of B-list faeces that comprises his diet, Wootton rage tweeted on the Golden Globes decision to make their menu all vegan.
Wootton did not attend the Golden Globes on a technicality (he wasn’t invited) but he nonetheless thought it vital that he alert his 337,000 followers on Twitter to the scourge of vegan extremism in Hollywood. Before we slaughter, gut and dry cure Wootton, let us not dissemble. It is absolutely the case that absurd woke bullshit abounds in LA in general and in Hollywood in particular. Of course it is the universal hub of hypocrisy, ersatz spirituality and mindnumbing insincerity. Welcome to every artistic community worldwide in every iteration of the multiverse.
But do we really need to hear this from a Meghan Markle-baiting, Alexandra Burke-bullying skunk? Now executive editor at The Sun after a long stint fronting its Showbiz desk, Wootton can be found on tax dodging imbecile Lorraine Kelly’s show chuntering on about what his famous fake mates are up to. He sees his own consequence as index-linked to the significance of the people he promotes/berates and will forever bathe in their faded neon glow. His bleached teeth and mouthwash cannot mask the stench of celebrity plop powering up his oesophagus, however. The Savage respectfully suggests he shut his stupid bitch ass up.
But enough witless abuse of witless people. What about the positives in the plant-based world? One development has the potential to change vegan FAQs forever, which is in itself quite historic given that they haven’t changed since 19-STFU. Scientists have discovered B12 occurring naturally in the aquatic plant duckweed, sometimes known as water lentils.3 Florida company Parabel produce micro crops of duckweed and process them into products for the food and feed markets with duckweed being among the fastest-growing plants on the planet. 100 grams of the plant dried provides 750% of the B12 RDA, so a 13 gram scoop daily would provide all your B12 needs. Not to get too excited but it could be a bigger game changer than lab grown meat.
It’s a big turnaround for duckweed who courted controversy last year by murdering innocent fish in Cumbria.4 Pondlife comes at you fast, man. One minute, you’re the piscine Harold Shipman, the next you’re saving the whole goddamn world. Duckweed also has potential as a renewable fuel source so expect to hear more from this biological marvel in the coming months.5
And yeah, you will be hearing this shit. The Savage is committed to bringing you the cold clinical facts with lethal analysis and commentary on automatic fire. He lays down pipe hard and fast to deliver searing truth missiles straight to your dome. He’s ready to fuck you till you love him. 2020 is going to be unbelievable, like Harvey Weinstein’s defence, full of surprises like Harvey Weinstein’s future and expansive like Harvey Weinstein’s anal cavity once he’s incarcerated.
Expect fireworks and fire fights. PEACE.
a Never happened
b Citation needed
- Ethical veganism is a belief protected by law, tribunal rules – The Guardian
- Politics as religion? Employment tribunals consider protected “beliefs” under the Equality Act – Harper Macleod
- Scientists Discovered Vegan Vitamin B12 In Water Lentils – Live Kindly
- Dead fish found in Cwmbran canals choked by duck weed – BBC News
- Duckweed takes off in nutrition space as well as biofuel and bioenergy – Biofuels Digest