Table of Contents
Diet bad
It seemed to come from nowhere and then one day it was everywhere. It resists any and all attempts at logic. It insists that vegetables are poisoning you, carbs are killing you and that your only saviour is a repetitive spartan diet of meat, salt and water. Welcome to the carnivore diet. It sounds too good/bad to be true but it is very real and many take it very seriously, as serious as the cancer red meat is closely associated with. It is very obvious from the outset that any even basically informed vegan could have a field day critiquing this diet and that goes double for a nutritionist or dietetic. Many have done so already. But what about the carnivores themselves? The diet has a cultlike following in keeping with its cultlike beliefs and cultlike practices. Surely you won’t hear a word of criticism or admission of any difficulties on the carnivore diet subreddit which bears the subtitle “Carnivore Diet Success Stories!”
Right there, my friend, is where you are wrong. Because the faithful have used their fan page to discuss the havoc wreaked on their bodies, souls and what’s left of their minds in dozens of confessional posts that make you ask “if these are the disciples, I’d hate to see the apostates.” Come with me then on a journey into the worst diet on the face of the earth. Strap yourself in – it’s going to be a bumpy one.
1. Body odour and stinky breath 🗣
You know how it is when you’re in love. You feel a sense of connection to your boo, the planet and everyone on it. Your senses are heightened. Optimism is your default state and you will do anything for that special someone who changed your world, including something as trivial as supporting them in this new diet they’re trying.
But wait, the next time you go in for a kiss you discover their breath is stinking like pig guts in a dumpster in Little Italy. What the actual hell? You pull away, disgusted. Sensing your repulsion, your lover looks distraught. Chastised, you go in for a consolation hug but the problem is your body is frozen from the honking skunk scent from their armpits. All of a sudden you hate the planet and everyone on it, your senses are dulled and nihilism is your default state. That, my friends, is the experience of cucknivore Redditor Mycoplasmic as his murderous crank diet turns his body into an olfactory calamity only safely observed through a gas mask. “It’s just ketosis, bro!” style replies on the subreddit are of little consolation to Mycoplasmic as he returns heartbroken to his plate of raw tripe and his fucked life.
2. Bloating 🥴
Bloatmaxxing is one of the worst feelings in the world. It gives you a brief insight into how Nickocado Avocado feels and you at once understand why he’s eating himself to death. So you can just imagine how heavy things got for HeavyYak2631 when he threw himself heart and soul into the carnivore diet and quickly found himself more bloated than a mosquito at a blood bank. Shuffling around his apartment, looking like the Pillsbury dough boy got pregnant, HeavyYak poured out his trauma to the online carnivore fam who tell him “just stop eating food, bro – it’s toxic”. It’s truly outstanding what solutions a highly-qualified hive mind can come up with.
3. Conflict with your kid’s school 🏫
When you become a parent you instantly want the best for your child. Petty grievances and differences fall away as you focus remorselessly on giving that kid the very best start in life. Education is paramount. Above all else, you want a really good relationship with your child’s school – those hero educators who mould the scruffy foundling you dump on their doorstep each day into something approaching a functioning human being. The very last thing you want is some kind of manufactured dispute carried on the flimsy scaffolding of your food cult beliefs. And yet that’s exactly what citygent1911 gives us with his ‘Need some help guys!’ thread on the carnivore subreddit. “My kids school are pushing “healthy eating week” and telling the kids that they should start the day with toast or cereal, and eat lots of pasta for slow-release complex carbs, to give them lots of energy. Does anyone have links to evidence (rather than opinion) that this is the bullshit we know it to be?”
Yes, that’s exactly what you need to do for your child’s well-being – demonise complex carbs, declare jihad on Cap’n Crunch and declare yourself a wackjob to the education system. Before you know it you’ll be home schooling him like a fricking Scientologist. Nice going, citygent.
4. Severe nausea 🤢
Do you eat to live or live to eat? It’s the eternal food dilemma and most of us will find ourselves somewhere in the middle of that particular bell curve. You want to enjoy your food but you don’t want to be a slob. Likewise, you want to eat diligently but you don’t want to extinguish the joy in eating fabulous food.
So just imagine how bad things must have got for cucknivore diet Redditor Idontliketowhistle when he posts “I have horrible nausea after my first meal, which is usually about 12-1 pm after my workout. It’s so bad I don’t even want to eat or think about it.”
Holy mother of God. Just two months in and he’s puking like Oscar Pistorius when handed a bucket at his trial. It’s a good job that meat heals, or it would all be for nothing.
The next time you go in for a kiss you discover their breath is stinking like pig guts in a dumpster in Little Italy.
5. Diarrhoea 🥵
“Diarrhoea has finally arrived lol” screams Dingleberry-Johnson5 (not to be confused with Dingleberry-Johnsons 1 thru 4 who are a totally different proposition altogether). It seems that the incongruous lol is one of those lols where the person is not in fact laughing out loud and very likely not even wryly chuckling to themselves internally. Unless he’s in the habit of screaming through the pain and distress that comes with acute diarrhoea, we can take it as read that Dingleberry-Johnson5 is shaking like a shitting dog, faced pressed against the cold porcelain, frantically typing out SOS messages in between body-convulsing spasms that hose down his bathroom tiles, sending shit splatter everywhere like a Jackson Pollock scat painting.
“What was I thinking listening to these cranks?” he says to himself “I can’t believe I got myself conned into this by these grifting clowns! Now my mother is going to find my body facedown in a three-inch shit swamp.”
Please be aware that on the carnivore diet your stools end up greasier than Lisa Faulkner on Spooks after they stuck her head in the deep fat fryer. The diarrhoea is regarded as a rite of passage among the massive. Indeed, the traumatic nature of the rite is thought to strengthen commitment to the cause, leaning heavily as it does on the sunk cost fallacy. Nobody knows whether Dingleberry-Johnson5 survived his hellish ordeal and at least among the cucknivores, nobody cares. “If he dies, he dies,” they say to themselves. He’s just collateral damage in their plan to have all of us munching on parasite-infected meat for the rest of our miserable lives.
6. Crippling eczema 🦠
If you pulled eczema out of the Dismal Things tombola then you, my friend, got a raw deal, figuratively and literally. The inflamed, itchy, cracked skin is maddening and frequently debilitating. So just imagine the feeling when your new crank diet makes your eczema worse. That’s the experience of Brother Intelligent-Cup4135. His punishing regime of steak and chicken thighs puffed up his hands like Brother Lee Love and left them looking worse than Ser Friendzone’s on Game of Thrones when he got Stone Aids.
7. Filthy headaches 😞
Baldcel genius Frank Black was so upset by the headache given him by the gravitational waves known as wrinkles in time he wrote a song about it. Well, that’s all very good for you buddy boy but what about if the very food you subsist on is the cause of your “headache”? What do you do then “Charles”?
Because that’s what happened to optimistically-named meat Redditor iskonbeokay in the early stages of his diet. Over 3-4 days he suffered a “persistent headache” he describes as “pretty intense and constant”.
The Savage is not a doctor but when your head begins pounding for four days straight, coinciding with the inception of your berserk new food fad I’d say there’s a decent chance these two are connected.
8. Brain fog 🧠
Just imagine for a moment what it’s like to have a brain filled with conceptual fog. You can’t concentrate on anything for longer than a second. When thoughts do come, they are sluggish, disconnected, nonsensical. Confusion is a constant. You reach for a word and it flutters out of your grasp like a shit butterfly. You return to the sentence to replace it but it too has flown. Where were you? Who are you? Why is everything a question? There’s so much you don’t know. It’s like being Fully Raw Kristina.
Welcome to the world of cucknivore victim bobfrutt. “I suddenly became very fatigued, lethargic, brain-foggy and had troubles concentrating. Couldn’t really do my job because of that slow mental state I was in.”
Dear God. We only have to hope that bobfrutt isn’t a bus driver, air traffic controller or paediatric surgeon and that his absurd diet doesn’t get (even more) people killed.
Confusion is a constant. You reach for a word and it flutters out of your grasp like a shit butterfly.
9. Disgraceful carb cravings 😖
When you’re being groomed by a cult, they do not start you on the heavy stuff right away. Scientologists don’t bodycheck you with the 500 lb gorilla of Xenu and the volcano. No, they offer you a free stress test. You start small and build. In Chinese prison camps in the Korean War, they began asking American prisoners to agree with statements that most would not have a problem with such as “The United States is not perfect.” or “In a communist country, unemployment is not a problem.” Even the most jingoistic Uncle Sam stan could sign his name to that. Once that foot was in the door though, they steadily built upon those tiny concessions and used the principle of consistency to successfully gain identity-level change. The Savage mentions this because Redditor Rupee_Roundhouse compares the torment of carb cravings on a carnivore diet to heroin withdrawal.
“‘Recovered’ heroin users often report that they wish that they have never experienced heroin. Their rationale is that there is nothing more pleasurable in the world than heroin.“ He says “If that theory of heroin is true, it’s not far-fetched to apply that to carbohydrates.”
He finds it likely that “one can’t crave something one has never experienced”.
So instead of your carb cravings coming from your body demanding a particular food group, it’s really just down to conditioning. If your body wants carbs then it’s no better than a dirty smackhead. Just imagine the contortions and backflips your mind has to perform to arrive there. You start small and then build.
10. Disfiguring acne 🛑
It’s all very well chanting your creepy MEAT HEALS mantra at your gullible marks when it’s in your financial interest to do so but try telling that to the girl who looks like the Before model in a Clearasil advert. Just call her mellow yellow because he’s got a face that looks like two Tesco budget pizzas ran through the Hadron Collider just below the speed of light, shot out then landed on her visog.
“I started this diet to look like Mikhaila Peterson,” she wails “Mikhaila PIZZA-son, more like!” ¹
The carnivore bros offer weak advice about oxalate dumping but it’s clear that their counsel can be taken about as seriously as Casey Anthony when she claims she is planning a fourth birthday party for Caylee.
11. Accelerated hair loss 👨🏻🦲
There are very few certainties in life. Death and taxes goes the saying though I would, with no doubt in my heart add to that the indisputable truth that the Norwood Reaper is undefeated. For there is nothing more desperate, more tragic, more unsightly than the beginnings of hair loss in the human male. Going from a healthy, thick, lustrous mane to a disgraceful pale skull-shaped atrocity is as foreboding and unpleasant a journey as the human experience has to offer. What kind of God makes this a natural happening? What kind, indeed.
You can treble that trauma when the very food you eat (or more pertinently do not eat) turns you into a baldcel as happened with unfortunate Internet-user hipperxc. His deranged dietary habits have set him on a path to no sex, sunstroke and a lifetime of mockery from schoolchildren. Those slow cooked fall-off-the-bone ribs don’t look so hot now eh, hipper?
His deranged dietary habits have set him on a path to no sex, sunstroke and a lifetime of mockery from schoolchildren.
12. Itchy stretchmarks 😣
Many years ago, The Savage listened to Tim Westwood’s hip-hop show on BBC Radio One. Westwood would often promote his regular pool parties and on this particular night, he got quite serious and said that if some of the ladies were considering coming but had had a few kids and were self-conscious about their stretchmarks then they should not be. It was totally cool with Tim. I’m not sure what happened with Tim but I’m fairly certain he went on to be lauded as a feminist ally to this day.
I recount this to make the point that stretchmarks are exactly the kind of thing that can make a woman (or man) feel self-conscious. So just imagine how self-conscious you feel when your diseased meat-eating has caused said stretchmarks to itch worse than pubic louse running loose wearing sandy flip-flops. That is the experience of Redditor CalmingGoatLupe who speaks of having to trim her fingernails down to stop her tearing away at her belly and breasts. I think even a staunch radfem like Westwood would think twice before inviting such a woman to his pool party.
13. Weakness ↘
Might this be the cruellest cut of all? The very thing that you accuse vegans of the most. The very antithesis of the primal alpha you believe this idiotic diet to be carving out. This is not the pup they sold you! Cucknivore victim Matthew-To0
.0dd tells the carnivore subreddit “Ive been fatigued for the last 3 weeks. If I stand up, I practically pass out. I basically can’t do anything.”
And there’s really very little they can do for him. The comments inevitably descend into Idiocracy-style “Electrolytes! It’s what plants crave” statements. So while vegans are literally clearing out plaque from their arteries, extending their lives and saving the planet, Matthew is too weak to leave the sofa to rustle up another ribeye steak. What have these nimrods done to him?
14. Cramping 😑
It’s hardly surprising that the maladies just keep coming on this berserk, carbs-demonising crank protocol. So of course it makes you prone to terrible cramps, leaving you looking like Ian Curtis running for the bog after he just had a dodgy Biryani. This poor bastard Afrovenger suffered through cramps and hypnagogic spasms after six months on carnivore. It is very likely that he embarked upon his new menu as part of a journey of discovery and self-improvement. He is likely to leave it groaning incoherently in the foetal position, pulling faces like a man being fed feet first into a wood chipper.
15. Anxiety attacks 🥵
If you’re not worried by now, then maybe you should be. Because the fear is real. When Franklin D Roosevelt said “we have nothing to fear but fear itself,” it is likely he was well-intentioned. He did not mean to imply that fear is not a problem in itself. That would be like saying “don’t worry about the monsters under the bed, Johnny. Worry about how they’ll gut you like a pig, wrap your entrails around your skull then get to work on your sister”. No that would not be wise because anxiety is very much something to worry about.
Tell you what though, why don’t we check in back in on Plasmotico from earlier – the funky breath guy? With a bit of luck, he’s doing much better. Ah, apparently not. Apparently, he is having the kind of terrible panic attacks he hasn’t had in 10 years. It was “very unpleasant” he confirms. I mean, that’s not the only thing going on. He has the distraction of “many days of weakness, fatigue, muscle tightness… (and) diarrhea”. So, you know, that’s something.
16. Haunted by mad cow disease 🤪
Hey, bit of a random one this – how do you guys feel about 80s revivalism? Why the hell not? It was an amazing decade! It’s no wonder fun acts like Haircut 100, Duran Duran and Kajagoogoo are still touring. Their statecraft, pop sensibilities and theatrical flair place them in stark contrast to these auto-tuned replicants foisted upon the youth of today, am I right? Here’s another other infectious 80s hit for you: bovine spongiform encephalitis.
No? Mad cow disease no longer appeal? It was very popular in the 80s for a while. The North Remembers, however and in the northern hemisphere, specifically the United Kingdom a terrified Redditor is transfixed with fear after being presented with bone marrow and worrying that he catches BSE and winds up “with my brain rotting away and eventually dying from it”. 35 years may have passed but the thought of being sacrificed on the altar of Creutzfeldt-Jakob still terrifies cucknivores to this day.
35 years may have passed but the thought of being sacrificed on the altar of Creutzfeldt-Jakob still terrifies cucknivores to this day
17. Mouth rashes 🤐
“Holy Moses, Savage,” you are by now thinking “is there any part of the human anatomy that the carnivore diet does not attack vulnerable flesh as mercilessly as Johnny Depp when he sees Amber Heard?” Well, we’re working on discovering just that. Bit-by-bit we are building a Frankenstein’s monster of body parts destroyed by cucknivore extremism. Now we get to the mouth. How bad does a rash around the mouth look? Why not ask Redditor MedIEV1L who after six months of pan-fried eggs in butter is getting some unwanted guests. “I’ve been getting these small red welts only around my mouth area for a while now. They itch,” he complains. The commenters are suitably sympathetic. “Clearly herpes,” says one. Their weird creepy cult is all they care about. And if it means that newbies are reduced to looking like Freddie Krueger after he took the TikTok chilli challenge? Well, that’s just fine with them.
18. Post-psychedelic guilt ☯
If post-trip remorse was on your carnivore diet bingo card then there’s a high possibility you’re cheating as I’ve seen quite a few of said bingo cards and none of them had anything like that on them. Nonetheless, it does appear that the horror of being neck deep in decaying animal corpses can only be suppressed for so long once the doors of perception have been kicked open.
Kicking off the discussion titled “Anyone have difficulty w/ carnivore after psychedelics?”, user Sinzero_3 asks “Does anyone else experience this? Being made aware of what you’re eating, and the history behind how it gets to your plate is something that psychedelics really make you think about.”
It’s definitely a curveball the regulars were not expecting. Inevitably, one immediately regurgitates the crop deaths subroutine telling Sinzero “Even if you’re vegan, animals are killed by the thousands to provide food for you. Next time you’re doing shrooms ponder on that fact.” which doesn’t sound like it would make for a particularly interesting trip but it’s good to see that in an uncertain world you can always rely on easily debunked cucknivore fallacies being presented as slamdunk mind-blowers. And even if it does require the use of mind-expanding chemicals it is nice to know that carnivores are still capable of experiencing guilt for the slaughter they demand. I guess?
19. Acid reflux ⚗
One of the lesser-known side-effects of the carnivore diet is an inability to consistently spell steak correctly and posting your entire message in the subject field of the Reddit message form. So pity poor dhrumil140396 (I bet their cashcard PIN is hard to decipher) who in addition to these terrifying symptoms also experiences “horrible acid reflux”. The difficulty in digesting the grotesque amounts of fat in the diet is thought to be the cause. Who knows what happened to dhrumil but there is every chance he is now spitting out saliva as acidic as the Xenomorph blood that burned holes in metals in Alien.
20. Hunger 🤤
“Anyone else incredibly hungry?” asks adamgilbert912. Yes, Adam – everyone! There are constant complaints of not feeling satiated on the cucknivore diet. Suffering is an intrinsic part of their weird maniacal food cult and they are nourished by the notion that if they endure the agony of the hunger in this life (first couple of months) they will be rewarded in the next life (next few months after that) by feeling slightly less hungry. You can be inspired by that idea if you like but the simple fact remains that if you embark upon the meat-eating diet you will be more ravenous than Louis CK alone in a room with a vulnerable woman.
21. Getting herpes like a Stryper groupie 👨👧👧
You know how it is. You’re going about your life and you get diagnosed with genital herpes. No? Maybe I’m thinking of your mom? If you’re not prone to catching herpes it’s probably because you’re not sticking your dingus in raw meat at every opportunity. But check out this testimony from Redditor RealToday who experienced two breakouts in 10 days on the carnivore diet. So in addition to everything else, it superpowers your STDs. As if the depression, hunger, diarrhoea and nausea weren’t selling it enough you can also look forward to blisters on your bellend, sores on your chapped anus and ulcers in your vag. Truly, your cup runneth over. The only problem is it’s filled with pus.
22. Pain in your left side ◀
So we’re collecting a pretty monstrous carnival of physical ailments here, a compendium of body horror that would make David Cronenberg himself be like “Jesus, I don’t like the look of that”. I know what you’re thinking, though. “Okay Savage yeah, it sounds pretty bad in theory, but I don’t see anything on the left-hand side, unexplained pain for example.”
Well, that all changed in May 2022 when our friend above RealToday complained of the pain in her left side that left her feeling worse than the crucified Christ right after the Roman centurion said to himself “say, you know what this dying Jew needs? Something to pep him up a bit. I’m thinking something in a spear under the ribs? Hey fuckface, get a load of this!”
I don’t know from crucifixion, inexplicable pain in your flanks or what it was the Romans did for us but I’ll say this much: a combination of a fucked left side and genital herpes are enough to drive a poor girl to drink.
23. Depression 👤
I mean, this shouldn’t be too surprising. It is after all the most depressing diet in the world. Annihilate all the vegetables, pulses and grains from your diet leaving you with the still twitching muscles of the recently killed. Not that this in itself proves anything. I have no doubt that there are many cheery sociopaths inflicting harm on themselves, others and the ecology with a smile on their faces. Among them, we cannot yet number boinvegas who sums up his feelings thus “Depression, anxiety, angry !!!!” According to Bo, his mood has been up and down like a tart’s drawers ever since he got with the program. Amazing advice follows “Simplify your diet.” says one “I feel my best when I eat one type of meat only.” Yes, that’s bound to be a great pick-me-up. Taking your monomaniacal mono meal method and making it even more mono is going to really do the trick. There are gang members in solitary in Peruvian prisons with a more varied diet than boinvegas but for some, it’s still not restrictive enough.
There are gang members in solitary in Peruvian prisons with a more varied diet
24. Broke as a motherloving joke 💰
You know how much money The Savage saves through being vegan? He’s not going to tell you but I’ma break it down like this. He lives off rice, pasta, pulses, veg, the cheapest of wholemeal bread, gets everything reduced where possible and makes his own seitan from scratch. While he takes the occasional drink, he isn’t out getting plastered every night like your typical carnivore alcohol cuck. He doesn’t smoke, only does drugs if they’re free, buys all clothes second-hand and has the kind of eye for a deal that William Henry Seward had on him when he purchased Alaska for 2.5 cents per acre.
He tells you this not to brag about being the kind of low-impact, high-intensity, non-attached human you wish you could be. He tells you this to contrast it with the demented expenditure on food of the typical carnivore adherent. Get a load of this post from aptly named 19-year-old child uselesssurprise. He is fretting at his inability to afford the shitty diet and worries about the liberal media ragging on Joe Rogan. The advice? Eat one meal a day, bro. “Do this. This will save you money.”
You know how long it would take a bunch of Harvard smartasses to come up with that paradigm-busting epiphany? I hope we never find out.
25. Food poisoning 🚫
Ah but come on, you say, it’s not like food poisoning has ever killed anyone. That is substantially correct if you ignore the bunch of people it has killed. Bear in mind how much parasites love meat and I’m not just talking about Frank, Sv3rige and Mikhaila. They love nothing more than to keep you up all night puking which sounds like what happened to a now-deleted Redditor here. No doubt that the carnivore massive would see 24-hour puking sessions as just part of the game and that anyone put off by this as an emasculated product of soyciety. But it can be generally agreed across the board that poisoning of any kind is suboptimal health wise so maybe sidestep that if you can yeah?
26. Night-time urination 🌘
I tell you what, these cucknivore bros really get put through the mill. Broke, depressed, riddled with sexual disease, anxious, nauseous, acne-blitzed, balding, hungry, ruined by brain fog. At least once they get their nut down at night they can get some respite from their bizarre self-inflicted injuries. Oh well, you’d think that wouldn’t you? But that makes you as mistaken as a girlfriend of Leonardo DiCapreteen when she thinks they are going to be celebrating her 21st birthday together as a couple. Because the moment, the MOMENT you dream a dream that fulfils you in any way, the carnivore diet kicks in and demands you wake up and take a piss. The_Advocates_Devil confirms this horror show and how every night he has to get up multiple times to make a pee-pee. This is not an isolated case. Just know that if you make the mistake of embarking on the carnivore diet, your bladder will be badder. It is no exaggeration to say that spending any time at all following this lunacy will leave you pissing more frequently than Dr Lester from Being John Malkovich and sitting down like a girly girl to do it.
27. Gout 🦶🏻
Back in the day, they referred to gout as the rich man’s disease. A diet of fine wine, pheasant, woodcock and other game contributed to the buildup of uric acid crystals in the joints that cause the painful, tender swelling, usually in the big toe. King Louis XVIII was a noteworthy sufferer and was nicknamed ‘Louis the Gouty’ by unkind Romantic poet Byron. “Oh very nice.” he could have countered “Well I may be Louis the Gouty as you say, sir, but at least I won’t die of syphilis aged 36. LOL. What a clown. Getting cucked by the Poon plague. Just LOL.”
(FYI, Louis the Gouty died of gout and gangrene aged 68 in 1824. The smell of decomposing flesh filled the rooms of The Louvre as he expired. He truly was a stinky Frenchman, in keeping with the xenophobic stereotype.)
So shout out to Federal-Hall-4371 who was only three weeks into his carnivore experience before the first break out of gout. Although the comments assure him there is no clear consensus vis-à-vis causation, Jonathan Jarry, MSc flags up the danger of gout when following this daft lifestyle. Start chewing on game pie daily and before you know it you’ll be hobbling around like Frida Kahlo after she got cucked by the bus.
Start chewing on game pie daily and before you know it you’ll be hobbling around like Frida Kahlo after she got cucked by the bus.
28. Destroyed breastmilk 🍼
It’s something you will often hear from vegans. The omnivore habit of stealing and drinking another species’ boob fluid is somehow weird and creepy. But that’s only the case if you think about it for any length of time. My advice: stop thinking about difficult stuff for significant periods. If you’re on the carnivore diet I practically insist. Still, at least carnivore diet adherents will be able to suckle their young at their own breast, insisting as they must that it is the most natural diet of all.
Ah, not quite. Because Reddit user telladifferentstory tells quite a different story. The cucknivore diet dried up her supply entirely and left her heartbroken. “That was the end of breastfeeding for me,” she says, fighting back the tears. You may not want to hear it but carnivore diet babies are going to be seeing less titty than a Capuchin monk with very poor eyesight.
29. Weird urine smell 👃🏻
This diet seems to leave nothing alone. Your breath smells like a thousand miles of shit, your arsehole turns into a faecal firehose, your kid can’t get any tiddy milk and you have absolutely no money. How can it possibly get any worse? Well, you know those 79 trips to the shitter you’ll have to make each night to piss? Each time you do you will be greeted with the foul unnatural decay of rotting meat from your urine. That’s the experience of mattman7x and it turns out it’s quite a common one. I’m afraid there’s simply no escaping it. Two weeks on this regime and your piss will smell so bad even Tim Shieff won’t drink it.
30. Gallbladder pain 😖
Hey, you know where hasn’t been destroyed in some way by the carnivore diet? The gallbladder. Or at least that was the case before nero752 came along and broke its duck a couple of months back with his frightening story of excruciating gallbladder pain while on the diet. A couple of the commenters tell him they experienced the same thing which at least makes him feel like he’s not alone. Interestingly, someone suggests he try a product from Ancestral Supplements, owned by Paul Saladino and The Liver King. It’s a good hustle. Create the disease, sell the cure.
31. Memory loss ❓❔
It’s important to remember this one if you, you know, can. duneman101 escapes from the prison of his failing noggin for two minutes to write down his thoughts before they fade away, like Guy Pearce in Memento. The carnivore diet has left him a desiccated husk of a man. He talks about the memory loss and the massacred workout motivation. He would go into more detail but the moment he presses send he forgets everything. On the plus side, he can’t remember how shite the diet is so at least he won’t have nightmares about that.
32. Insomnia 😞
In fact, there’s a very good chance he won’t be having nightmares about anything. To have nightmares you need to be asleep and you’ve got a better chance of falling asleep in the middle of a 1987 illegal rave than you have of getting some kip while on the carnivore diet. LingeringNomad complains of a paltry 3-4 hours a night though he may be one of the lucky ones compared to those forced to piss 127 times a night due to their inflated bladders. It’s not just the Nomad having difficulty. Poor old Machiavelli off Ketogenic Forums says his sleep “got wrecked” following the protocol and Psychological-Sun132’s sleepless experience leaves her “afraid that chronic insomnia would make my life miserable”.
I’m sure that the replies invoked some priceless advice about sun gazing, OMAD and seven tablespoons of butter but all of that can’t move us away from the indisputable truth that a couple of weeks on the carnivore diet will leave you with less sleep than a single mom nursing a newborn who’s just realised her immunosuppressed toddlers are being babysat by Beverley Allitt.
33. Eating offal you hate the taste of 🍖
One thing The Savage will never say is that meat doesn’t taste good. That would be like saying that Prime Roy couldn’t fight, that Hannah Gadsby was funny or that superhero movies were a great idea. A lot of bad things feel good and The Savage has done most of them. Offal, with some notable exceptions, will always taste terrible. Of course, black pudding tastes awesome and you can’t fuck with faggots and peas. But as Islerothebull freely concedes liver tastes disgusting. Cucknivores go to extraordinary lengths to disguise the taste and texture of the foul entrails they make it their business to eat. Remember, the more suffering you go through the more committed you are to the cause. The pain is the point.
Cucknivores go to extraordinary lengths to disguise the taste and texture of the foul entrails they make it their business to eat.
34. Dry skin 🛐
By now it’s obvious that the carnivore diet is a dermatological catastrophe – eczema, herpes and mouth lesions are just some of the unwanted bonuses you get by being a participant. Spending even a brief period in this cookery clown college runs the risk of leaving you looking like Deadpool during a particularly nasty outbreak of hives. How can we be surprised, then, when nero752 announces he is pissing every 15 minutes leaving his skin drier than every heterosexual woman’s clam every time Laurence Fox opens his mouth? I suspect wish-fulfilment anecdotes can’t disguise the truth. If you want to stay resembling a human, keep the hell away from this diet.
35. Reduced libido 〽
There is no need to go over old ground here by exploring the link between masculinity and meat. Among a certain type of emotionally inept needy dudes, there will always be an overwhelming desire to equate manhood with meat-eating. That means hunting, shooting, fishing and always being the guy who carves. And yeah ladies that means you will get the back knocked out of you in the bedroom whenever you encounter such a Sigma Male.
Yeah, about that last part. It turns out that carnivore disciples drugmaker07, barbuni, nero752, Imaginary-Goat-5189 and SandwichDelicious all have less interest in sex than two people in a long-term relationship who have just consumed a large meal. Because the carnivore diet does to your libido what sociopath baldcel Jade Pinkett did to Will Smith’s soul – absolutely annihilates it. Cry if you want to but cucknivores are getting less sex than a software engineer who’s decided he wants to wait until marriage.
36. Reduced appetite ⭕
Sex isn’t the only appetite it kills. You thought the Hunger Games were bad? Well just imagine how rotten things are going to be when your breakfast of raw pig guts with salt and water destroys your hunger forever. As malnourished as you are, with your body howling for the nutrients and fibre of vegetables long since banished, the remorseless monotony of this rusty coat hanger abortion they should be ashamed to call a diet, will take any love you ever had for food and curb stomp it right in front of you. Don’t believe me? Ask Accurate-Mud5945 as he wails “I’m not hungry and have only eating once a day”. Take some organ supplements, bro. Yeah, that’ll do the trick
37. Inability to lose weight 🤰🏻
Let’s not circle around this one like a flock of turkeys walking around a dead cat. I don’t care what your particular adherence is to – keto, Mediterranean, paleo, Weight Watchers Freestyle. What people really care about, where their pain points are i.e. where the money is, is in weight loss. So you can talk about only caring about health, ethics or honouring your caveman ancestors but if your diet doesn’t offer a path to losing weight then nobody gives a rat’s ass.
So how humiliating must it be for cucknivore advocates when a man of the stature of Fatmanmuffim declares he cannot lose weight on the diet? It’s no hyperbole to say that once you’ve lost the likes of Fatmanmuffim, you’ve lost all hope.
38. Elbow rash 💪🏻
Here comes another one, just like the other one. The body parts just keep piling up, like Jeffrey Dahmer’s freezer. Listening to the complaints of cucknivores on this diet is a game of heads, shoulders knees and toes (knees and toes!) Headaches, napalm guts and the kind of skin profile that frequently gets you mistaken for Yellow Bastard from Sin City all come as standard once you are fully inculcated into the cult. The unfortunate Billshotdogs has found that even his elbows are not immune, blitzed as they are after eating ground beef. The only upside for Billshotdogs is he won’t be needing his elbows to support him during his customary two minutes of flatlining missionary sex as he’s getting absolutely no pum-pum at all.
39. Ruined balance 😳
You know, in many ways balance is about the natural homeostasis of systems – the dynamic equilibrium of yin and yang. In another, more important way, it’s about not falling over like a twat. Exactly how seriously can you expect to be taken when you’re pratfalling like Michael Crawford in Some Mothers Do Have ‘Em, Jennifer Lawrence at the Oscars or Paz de la Huerta in a Lana Del Rey video? Very little is the answer. Carnivore Redditor c0mp0stable complains about an “off-kilter feeling” five months into his monotonous regime. “I had to drive about 3 hours and it was terrible.”
Oh well, as long as you weren’t doing anything that could kill you and a bunch of other people. This chilling attestation from c0mp0stable confirms that on the carnivore diet you will be about as balanced as a Fox News debate on “Has The Woke Mind Virus Gone Too Far?”
40. Beef fat intolerance 🐄
The number of ways the human body rebels against the carnivore diet seem limitless. wileyrielly testifies to another one: intolerance to beef fat. Whenever he eats fatty beef trimmings he describes “Facial flushing, extreme sense of mental discomfort, fatigue, yellow diarrhea and just generally feeling awful.” wileyrielly is particularly distraught because it’s the fat that relieves his ADD symptoms (um, okay).
Extreme sense of mental discomfort, fatigue and golden diarrhoea. It’s like being on ayahuasca but with none of the spiritual insights. All you get from the carnivore diet is a cauliflower arse and a plateful of broken dreams.
41. Potassium and magnesium deficiency 🧬
The demented meat worship of the carnivore clan is the gift that keeps on giving, although obviously not to anybody participating in the eating. Our old friend Afrovenger takes time to post his Cronometer findings and is surprised that he is deficient in potassium and magnesium. It is not clear why he is surprised as both potassium and magnesium are noted as deficiencies in the cucknivore diet. Of course, if he were on a vegan diet or allowed anywhere near vegetables without his ankle tag going off he could have pulses, potatoes and avocado for his potassium and quinoa, nuts and seeds for magnesium. One thing the carnivore community will never be deficient in though is nose-to-tail bores telling the likes of Afrovenger he just needs to eat some oxen bile duct.
42. Bruising 🥊
As if it’s not bad enough that you’re a smelly, depressed, unbalanced beta on this diet there is overwhelming evidence that you will not be able to hide it. Because the carnivore diet will leave the mark of shame on you like Daniel Day-Lewis branding Leonardo DiCapreteen in The Gangs of New York. Redditor link3343 went through a torrid time in his first three weeks of the diet – yellow diarrhoea, suspect farts, vanishing appetite. None of these though are as harrowing as the disfiguring bruises that appeared all over his body. How was link3343 expected to explain those? Feel free to come up with ideas among yourselves but never lose sight of the fundament here: if you embark upon the carnivore diet you will end up with worse bruises than a girlfriend of Johnny Depp who’s just said “hey shit-for-brains – when was the last good film you were in? What happened to your career? What happened to your face? Pussy.”
43. Vaginal odour 👃🏻
Look, I didn’t want to go here but when I set out on this mission I took a solemn oath to report the facts as I found them. I knew that like Captain Oates I may be gone for some time, that like Jacques Cousteau I would be plumbing certain depths and that like Hernán Cortés I may have to kill a bunch of people. So don’t imagine that The Savage takes absolutely any pleasure in reporting the serious issue of vaginal odour among participants of the carnivore diet. Because it is with all sensitivity that I say that enrolling on the diet will leave your foof honking worse than a 70,000-strong gaggle of geese getting shot up in Saskatchewan.
The phenomenon is known as keto crotch and it’s more widespread than you think. Pity poor Redditors like marvelgirl77 and RiverSong3082 whose malodorous clams now announce their entrance at any event four blocks before they arrive.
Pity poor Redditors whose malodorous clams now announce their entrance at any event four blocks before they arrive.
44. Increased heartrate 💖
It’s great when you get a little bit of excitement in life that makes your heart beat a little faster. But what if there isn’t any excitement and your heart is beating faster anyway? That, my friends, is tachycardia and it’s something you can really do without. It is a noted side-effect of the diet and Simple Simon two-post wonder simpleblissss who adopted the diet in an attempt to cure his World of Warcraft addiction reports an increased heart rate in the first few days. Alongside this, he is experiencing more anxiety than a woman on a date with a Kennedy who has just said “get in, it’ll be fine”. Your body can be a crude communicator and listening to it uncritically can be a suboptimal strategy. But when it’s screaming at you from every available orifice, it’s time to start listening.
45. Increased blood pressure 🩺
Related to the heart problems is the increased blood pressure that this noble carnivore reports. tattoohead also reports difficulty in sleeping and that’s hardly surprising. He really should be sleeping with one eye open. It is well established that red meat can increase blood pressure and the symptoms include blurred vision, nosebleeds, shortness of breath, chest pain, dizziness, headaches, heart attack, kidney disease, stroke and death. My advice to tattoohead if he wants a good night’s sleep is to put the carnivore diet to bed.
46. Increased sexual harassment 🏃🏻♀️🏃🏻♂️
We’ve already seen how becoming a carnivore diet acolyte has the kind of effect on your sex life that becoming a regular on a MGTOW forum would. It is disgracefully obvious that spending any time at all excluding vegetables from your diet will leave you getting less ass than a Skillet groupie. But don’t let that indisputable fact make you drop your guard and think that women are somehow safe around cucknivores. Because demented contributor Tertiaryfunctions confesses that while on the diet “I also noticed I’m more aggressive (good thing) towards those I’m attracted to.”
Yes that’s right, Tertiaryfunctions. Sexual aggression is a “good thing”. The insane paradox is that despite having the libido of a clinically depressed panda bear in London Zoo carnivores will actually harass women more while under the influence of the sect. What a disgrace.
47. Elevated ALT level 🧪
When you have a diet that is soused in saturated fats like the carnivore one, you can expect higher levels of alanine transaminase (ALT) in your blood. abyal209 reports exactly that and she hopes it’s not her saturated fat-drenched diet that’s causing it as it’s been working pretty well for weight loss. I mean, some of the side-effects of high ALT levels are abdominal pain, dark-coloured urine, fatigue, itching, jaundice, light-coloured stools, loss of appetite, nausea and vomiting so I can see how you would be losing weight quite effectively there. High ALT level can indicate liver disease or heart failure but I really wouldn’t worry about it. Because I’m vegan. LOL.
48. UnEnjoyment 👎🏻
Look, it’s easy to rag on offensively stupid unhealthy diets, particularly when they are promoted by failed spree-killer rapists, doctors who have had their licences stripped and whatever the f*ck Mikhaila Peterson is. But chill, because the important thing is ultimately what makes you HAPPY. I’m afraid they come up short on that metric too. Respected carnivore hero C0CKERMOUTH reports “Unenjoyment” on the diet in a heart-rending post. “Been on the diet for a week but Im starting to not bare the sight of meat, feeling quite low in energy and motivation, dedicated to loosing the pounds but maybe this isn’t for me?”
C0CKERMOUTH misses variety, veg and vag and who can blame him? Well apparently Savings_Weight9817 can as he responds “Then quit!” with some uncharacteristically good advice.
49. Dizziness 💨
“Dizzy, my head is spinning. Like a whirlpool, it never ends. And it’s you, girl carnivore diet, making it spin.”
Just think about how bad it would feel if you couldn’t trust the very ground that you walk upon. That is the experience of culofaceee1 who speaks their tragic truth after just two weeks in the Meat Only Boot Camp. Vertigo, the particular type of dizziness where it feels like your surroundings are spinning, is a known side-effect of the carnivore diet and whenever you mention this to the faithful they will tell you “Yo, it is just the keto flu, bro” because that’s a thing as well. This isn’t a diet, it’s a walking medical dictionary. You can talk about keto flu all you like but the simple fact is that even two weeks on this diet will leave you dizzier than Lucille 2 from Arrested Development.
The simple fact is that even two weeks on this diet will leave you dizzier than Lucille 2 from Arrested Development
50. Vitamin A toxicity 🤢
Here’s one for the heads, specifically The Liver King heads, the heads you haven’t thought this through, the heads eating excessive amounts of liver (all amounts of liver are excessive but you get my point). Zero carb Redditor Necessary_Walrus6263 lives in fear of the Vitamin A poisoning that is a known risk of animal liver consumption. He is right to live in fear and not just because he is a former vegan who has risked his eternal soul. The symptoms of Vitamin A toxicity include such joys as double vision, drowsiness, hair loss, sunlight sensitivity, liver damage, skin peeling, nausea and vomiting. So yeah, Necessary_Walrus wrap that around your tusks.
51. Dehydration 🏝
I know what you’re thinking. “Wait, there’s only one cause of dehydration and that’s drinking water. I know this because my boy Sv3rige told me so.” Well, I regret to inform you that Sv3rige’s claims about water causing dehydration are about as credible as his claims to have been healthy and well-adjusted at school. While getting your fluids from rotten eggs may pass muster in the mentally ill world of raw carnivores, back on Planet Earth it is the carnivore diet itself that is causing dehydration. wileyrielly returns to let us know all about it. High-protein diets are known to cause dehydration as there is an imbalance of electrolytes like sodium and potassium, often deficient in the carnivore diet. The fact that carnivore forums spend half their time asking how much water they should be drinking and the other half asking why they need to piss 57 times a night is a pretty good indicator that this diet will leave you drier than a box of crackerbread in the Gobi desert in July.
52. Dark bags around eyes 👀
As pretty much every diet is ultimately about vanity or at the very least a desire to look less hideous, aesthetic concerns are paramount whether you like it or not. So when carnivore Redditor schrammi94 revealed that after just seven days of carnivore diet she was rocking bags under her eyes the size and colour of those that Norwegian Chad Roald Amundsen took to store food when he cucked Captain Scott at the South Pole it was quite the mic drop. A quick Google reveals that this foul disfigurement is a common feature of the so-called alleged “diet”. So while it won’t get you thinking like Samuel Beckett, there’s every chance it will get you looking like him.
53. Decreased creativity 🚫
Yeah, about that failure to emulate Beckett. It may seem harsh to bring up not matching a Nobel Prize winner for literature but you should be aware that when you eat only meat your creativity will be taking the kind of nosedive that Glenn Miller took shortly after saying “this trip to Paris will be great!” Cucknivore Redditor InjectTea testifies how her artistic creativity went from hyperphantasic dreams with vivid images and bacchanalian orgies to sitting on her batty posting on Reddit, half-heartedly masturbating over stills of Colin Firth in Pride and Prejudice. While that does make her more sexually active than most cucknivores, please bear in mind that if you are on this diet your creativity will be flatlining worse than a girlfriend of Oscar Pistorius who’s just said “Hey stumpy! How about you run down to the off-licence and get me 20 Benson & Hedges you ferret-faced fuck?”
54. Low energy 😴
Those of you who remember the 2015 Republican presidential candidate campaign (or The Resistible Rise of Arturo Ui as I like to think of it) will recall that Donald J Trump pretty much ended the career of Jeb Bush by branding him Low Energy Jeb. It is certainly not the kind of attribute you want hanging around your neck if you are serious about holding high office or being held in anything other than contempt. So please contemplate the quandary of Minute-Season-6864 who after three months of hell doggedly chewing his way through ribeye steaks and chicken livers still feels like a bag of shit.
“I still have low energy and feel fatigued pretty easily… the low energy is taking it’s toll, so I feel stuck.“ So, I feel stuck. Yes, and I feel stuck for reasons as to why anyone would persist with this skull-crunchingly stupid excuse for a diet.
55. Constipation 😣
It’s either famine or feast on the carnivore diet. You’re either getting too much shit spraying haphazardly from your bunghole or none at all. Not being able to poop is about the worst feeling in the world. The Savage has the gut microbiome of a Greek god, immaculate intestinal absorption and a Rolls-Royce of a colon. So he can’t imagine how crappy it feels not to be able to take a crap. As a result, when he reads Miserable_Arm_4495’s post about the worst constipation of their life you can well imagine that it sends a chill down his spine, shortly followed by the thought “oh wait, that’ll never happen to me – I’m vegan!”
The problem in this case is that the carnivore diet has no fibre and you end up trying to shit fast-setting cement. Dear God is there any human activity this diet can’t screw up?
The problem in this case is that the carnivore diet has no fibre and you end up trying to shit fast-setting cement.
56. Folliculitis 🐱👤
Tell you what mates, inflamed hair follicles – does that sound like something you could get behind? “Yes, it absolutely does,” you say “if by ‘get behind’ you mean ‘get behind it so I can push it over a cliff and then jizz over its corpse.’” That is exactly the right response. It marks you down as a person of distinction and a non-menkle. Folliculitis is no joke, after all. What about the meat massive though? Well, they can’t get enough of diseases so a bit of rancid scalp lurgy is a small price to pay. After only three weeks, stricken cucknivore fledgling wait_whatnow complains that for the first time in his life he now has folliculitis. The bros assure him that it is not diet-related but this has about as much credibility as Jordan Peterson’s assurances that he won’t burst into tears this time.
57. Vaginal spotting 💌
OK, this is the last one about clams I promise. I try to keep the stuff about fannies to a minimum but like your mom’s HPV, it just keeps on coming up. scoutfinch333 tentatively asks the carnivore clan if anyone else has been given an impromptu red polka dot pattern on their sanitary towel courtesy of the diseased broken ideology of cucknivorism. The ranks quickly close and commenters deny all knowledge but reading between the lines it is clear that a steady diet of meat and no veg will leave your beaver looking like it’s been riddled with buckshot.
58. Becoming aroused at snuff erotica 💦
Cognitive dissonance is a hell of a drug among carnivores and the need to slaughter and eat animals is matched in many of them by a need to front as an animal lover. Perhaps the most woeful subgenre of this performative bullshit is the incredible connection narrative. Here, KamikazeHamster (no idea) shares a quite spectacularly obnoxious tweet that begins “I witnessed the death of a 2,000lb Bison. Here’s what it taught me about our spiritual connection with food and how we can restore it”.
KamikazeHamster explains “I’m sharing this tweet because it positively moved me. It reminded me to be more mindful of what I eat. To eat with intention. To be grateful for the life that was taken so that I may live.”
I don’t want to correct you there, Anonymous Twitter Fuck but Ceisel the bison did not die so you could live. He died because you wanted him dead so you could selfishly enjoy eating him. It was utterly unnecessary, entirely egotistical and at no point was any compassion or respect on display and the honour you talk about is about as worthless as anything ever conceived.
So yeah, being on the carnivore diet will leave you susceptible to this kind of embarrassing disingenuous nonsense. Watch out for that.
59. Salt mouth 🧂
We’re entering the finishing straight so I’m going to forego making comments on the persistent salty taste your mom has in her mouth and get right to it. Meat dingbat JenHes tells the crew “it feels like the taste of (salt) is constantly in my mouth all day every day even after I brush”. She tells a harrowing tale of a salt-free childhood brought on by the trauma of her father’s heart disease but only a fool doubts that if you tread the ribeye steak path your mouth will be saltier than jarhead freak Shawn Baker when his crank science gets called out.
60. No butt sex 🚯
If there’s one thing that sums up The Savage’s approach to life it is his refusal to pass judgement on his fellow man. If you really want to slam your engorged Johnson up the cornhole of the next man (or woman) then that is entirely your right, however diseased it may appear to a casual observer. So no matter how much someone may reasonably argue that it is an unholy unhygienic crime against God and nature you will never hear him give someone a hard time for their depravity.
That said, get a load of this weirdo DietZer0 on the cucknivore Reddit. ”from what I’ve gathered I’m afraid I won’t be able to do anal again which would be the most sad thing ever. Am I doing something wrong? Should I just accept anal won’t be possible again?”
I dunno man, there are starving children in Yemen, billions are killed by animal agriculture daily and Ukrainians exist in a living hell but the issue we should be concerned about apparently is DietZer0’s desire to wedge his two-inch dong between some butt cheeks. Hilarious banter aside, it’s just one more thing that the carnivore diet ruins.
61. Dealing with tribal statistics stress 〽
Not gonna lie, this one was painful to watch. We all know how meat-eating primals honour their ancestors by projecting onto them a laughably inaccurate caricature of Palaeolithic life and then making increasingly lame-ass attempts to emulate them. Convinced as they are that this is the One True Path, they must believe that the hunter-gatherer lifestyle is the optimal choice for life, health and happiness. So just imagine how delighted they were when BloodRedTiger1111 asked the innocent question “Why do the Maasai have a life expectancy of only 45 while eating mainly animal products?”
It’s a great example of ideology meeting reality. Of course, this particular question is a crude tool as high infant mortality brings the average down significantly but it is very instructive to read some of the responses.
“Imagine how much worse they’d be of if they Didn’t eat meat” says WolfGuitarPig.
“They’d be like your average American,” responds istaytailored. Yes, that’s right the average American who never eats any meat. The biggest lard arses in history got there through kidney bean and hummus burritos.
62. I want to break ghee 🍴
The Savage is from the beautiful city of Birmingham, England and for those unfamiliar with the place it is the home of the Balti, a traditional northern Indian dish popularised by Birmingham’s immigrant South Asian population. Do check it out if you’re ever in the hood. I mention this because traditionally baltis are cooked in ghee (clarified butter) and if you’re not careful your chana masala balti may not, in fact, be vegan.
Anyway, being 50% saturated fat ghee is about as unhealthy as it gets and therefore right up the straza of the cucknivore clan. So far, we are on very familiar ground. But what’s this from loll445. Cooking food in ghee is giving her a sore throat. Not content with destroying her arteries, increasing her stroke risk and giving her Ricky Hatton between fights-tier weight gain, ghee has destroyed her throat beyond all repair. It may be clarified butter but the only thing that needs clarifying here is exactly how many pharynges it has annihilated.
It may be clarified butter but the only thing that needs clarifying here is exactly how many pharynges it has annihilated.
63. Getting sucked into conspiracy 🌏
We know that the Internet is where nuance goes to die and we know that the carnivore diet never had any nuance to begin with so it should be absolutely no surprise at all that the War On Meat conspiracy theory rears its dopey head there. ”Definitely seems like there’s a conspiracy to subdue meat consumption around the world,” says JawnSack. Swiftly, fellow conspiratard Zistack backs him up “There is a conspiracy, and it’s been going on for decades. If you look up the phrase ‘war on meat’, you’ll find people talking about the Seventh Day Adventists and how they’ve been trying to push a vegetarian diet for about as long as they’ve existed.” While conspiracy clowns may just seem like helpful fodder to laugh at, it is worth remembering that families and lives have been destroyed by the descent into the rabbit hole. Don’t believe me? You better ask somebody.
64. Destroyed dehydrators ❌
For a population suffering from chronic dehydration, cucknivores certainly are in a rush to squeeze every bit of moisture out of the bodies of animals they feast upon. They can’t get enough of beef jerky although it is certainly possible this is to get the taste of chicken liver out of their yaps. But with great jerky comes great responsibility and even greater danger. Please regard the cautionary tale of naturestar76 who thought it was a really brilliant idea to make jerky in his dehydrator only to discover it ruined forever by the foul drippings of dead animal juice onto the components. There wasn’t a dry eye in the house.
65. Smoke inhalation 🚭
As any fireman will so you, smoke inhalation causes more deaths than the infernos themselves. Smoke is generally a pretty shitty happening so it’s naturally a favourite of the all-meat diet people. If only diycookie could have found out the dangers before he turned his tiny kitchen into a smoke-filled shitpit from whose foul stench it will never recover. Holding a barbecue in a broom cupboard. Who could have foreseen that going awry?
66. Tormented by dreams of breaking diet 💀
Along this journey, we have learnt how carnivore adherents are dehydrated insomniacs for whom a good night’s sleep is as foreign a concept as oral hygiene is to Louise “Stinky Lou” Brealey. And yet they do occasionally nod off for brief periods which we can only pray will offer them some respite from the shitxistence served up by their daily consumption. Ah but those prayers will not be answered because even as they sleep they are tormented by vivid dreams of the life they used to live on a relatively normal diet. Culstro47 is harangued by fries, pizza and cheesecake as he sleeps and he’s not alone. It’s almost as if the pizza is saying to him “listen, I’m not saying I was a health food but at least no point did I demonise an entire food group. What you’re doing is insane – it’s clearly a cult. What would you think if you are on the outside, looking in? Christ, I can’t believe I’m having to do this. Get a grip, son.”
And that’s a pizza talking.
67. Coagulated blood 🩸
“Blood will tell,” the saying goes and this is certainly true of the meat militia when you look at those BLOOD markers and they TELL you that this dude could drop dead any second. Terrified Redditor snark567 tentatively approaches the carnivore subreddit with articles he has read telling him how untreated fresh pork causes blood coagulation. Where do these old wives’ tales come from? Actually, this one is legit. Red blood cells sometimes form in stacks on top of each other in what is known as the rouleaux formation or sticky blood. Sticky blood is linked to excess meat consumption. Say, you know which diet is nothing but excess meat consumption? It’s on the tip of my tongue.
68. Ruined social life 💃🏻
It always amuses The Savage how a certain type of cucknivore will try and portray the vegan diet as officiously restrictive. That there are hundreds of cuisines in the world with incredible vegan options, combined with legions of world-class chefs and recipe makers and that all food groups are available to us seems to pass them by. In contrast, check out a typical cucknivore diet.
Breakfast: Ribeye steak
Lunch: Cow stomach
Dinner: Chicken livers in pig intestines
Supper: 45 minutes of life-threatening diarrhoea
So just for a moment put yourself in the shoes of Crispypiggy and his social anxiety at having to explain away why he can only eat three things for the rest of his life. “It takes its toll having to really have to plan ahead with food and bat away all the questions.”
Combine the shame of having to live with a psychotically restrictive crank diet with the fear that at any moment your guts could betray you and send out a jet flume of liquid shit propelling you across the room like some faecal superhero and it’s not surprising that your typical carnivore is the kind of stay-at-home incel who makes Japanese hikikomori look like the life and soul.
At any moment your guts could betray you and send out a jet flume of liquid shit propelling you across the room like some faecal superhero
69. Exterminates coffee enjoyment ☕
Nothing beats that first cup of coffee in the morning. Except maybe the second or third. When you’re a vegan, you can drink as much coffee as you desire although I would probably knock it off after the fourth go-around.
Just check out this zero-carb cuck undergreyforest though: “Went ZC years ago, couldn’t handle coffee anymore. Wrecks my gut the rest of the day. On keto, no trouble. Just venting, because coffee is the only plant I really care to keep around. Lol”
Congratulations on dropping the least convincing LOL in history, in a crowded field. Zero-carb and carnivore diet are not interchangeable of course but let it be known that coffee is very much discouraged by the cult. First of all, because it might be addictive (actual LOL) and also because it doesn’t come from animals (crying emoji). Maybe the reason their social lives are so screwed is because they can’t go to coffee shops?
70. Turns men into low-T cucks 🐱
I’ll tell you what though. The carnivore diet may be nutritionally deficient, comically restrictive and turn you into a dizzy, depressed, isolated hermit but what there can be NO doubt about is that it is a truly manly diet for manly men, men who came up under the code of the Sigma grindset. It turns out that even that abysmal consolation has been denied the cucknivores. Inferior beta Warped_Mindless wails to the zero carb subreddit how he’s just had the worst news. “Been hearing that zero carb/carnivore can kill your levels of free testosterone. One of the reasons I switched to the WOE is because my test was low and I want to avoid lifelong TRT supplementation.”
The science confirms that your foggy brain, bear’s breath and clogged arteries are accompanied by the testosterone levels of a twink K-pop band who have just spent two months rehearsing next to a radioactive oestrogen reactor. Sorry to break it to you, guys.
71. Meat is hard to swallow 🥩
Much like the crank science behind this so-called alleged “diet” meat itself is often hard to swallow. Check out the testimony of WetworkLoL whose pal lacks an enzyme in his saliva that breaks down meat, leading to him regurgitating it repeated times like a demented bird feeding its chicks. One particularly helpful comment in response says that chewing is a method that you don’t need at all to digest meat. It will be interesting to see how that one plays out, particularly if you’ve got this kid in the deadpool.
72. E. coli from “high-grade” meat 🤢
Of the three per cent of people who can afford the carnivore diet without remortgaging their home, many take comfort that when they buy high-grade meat they are purchasing quality and safety. But there is no such thing as quality and safety when you are trading in dead bodies. In one of many such cases over the aeons, over 60 tons of “high-grade” beef was recalled due to E. coli concerns in April this year, a case reported on the subreddit by northman46. Still, you don’t need to worry about life-threatening infections, particularly if you’re not worried about losing your life.
73. Ruins Adderall for everyone 💊
Who doesn’t enjoy knocking back Adderall to take the edge off the ADHD? In my experience, mostly people who have not been diagnosed with ADHD but if you have been diagnosed with ADHD then it’s a pretty good drug. Some rascals use it recreationally. With it being an upper, it has its uses in that regard too. Forget about all that if you’re on the meat bandwagon though. As Rja12345 points out “I attempted to go ZC I threw up pretty bad because I was unaware Adderall messed with digestion. So eating 1.5 lbs of steak on Adderall probably wasn’t optimal especially when first starting out.”
As he crouched down with his head between his knees staring through tears at the barely digested animal muscle still soaking in his stomach acids, Rja12345 likely said to himself “this is appalling. I’m ruining myself, my blood markers, my mental health, my breath, my sex drive, my guts, my skin, the environment. This has to end. I’m going to take the plunge. I’m going to go vegan.”
You heard the man.
¹ Dialogue may not have occurred