The balls in your court
What’s that? The meat lobby have forced a vote in the European Parliament on a ban on plant-based products using meat-related labels. Who could have imagined that these soulless rat-fuckers whose entire existence is premised on death, disease and torment would have made such a move? Like Jon Penus taking his shirt off in public, Fully Raw Kristina showcasing a Holocaust denier and your borefriend failing to make you come, we’ve been here before.
It was 2017 after all when the European Court Of Justice ruled that soya and tofu-based products could not be referred to as milk or butter after German company TofuTown fell afoul German so-called consumer so-called protection so-called group VSW for selling their ”Soyatoo Tofu Butter” and “Veggie Cheese”. Once dairy had taken a swing you knew that meat would follow like arteriosclerosis follows Philly cheesesteak. The massive inroads made in recent years by alternative meat into their markets have cucknivores shook like Tekashi 6ix9ine every time a gentleman of Chicago heritage approaches. Barclays predict that the alternative meat industry will grow to be worth $140 billion in the next 10 years. That translates to an awful art of happy cows, liberated pigs and frolicking lambs that will not have their throats cut and we all know that nothing aggravates an omni more than a live animal minding its own business.
Divide and confuse
So what’s their beef? Which words are triggering the blood-flecked snowflakes today? The specific examples cited are steak, sausage, escalope, burger and hamburger though the ban would not be limited to those. “Butter substitute” for example would be out and descriptions such as ‘creamy’ soy drinks “yogurt-style” dessert would ALSO be verboten. The amendments in play form part of a reform of the EU common agricultural policy and Jean-Pierre Fleury from European farming trade body Copa-Cogeca describes the use of such nouns by vegan products as “an obvious case of cultural hijacking,” making him sound like a Twitter blue tick trying to cancel some actress for her latest racial faux pas. McFleury is not worried about Gal Godot playing Cleopatra in whatever shitflick Hollyweird is stinking out the culture with, nor is appropriation his primary concern. As selfless as they come, J.P. is in it purely for the punters, heroically shielding their shit brains. “Certain marketing agencies are using this to deliberately confuse consumers,” he laments.
God knows I’m easily confused. A million subjects perplex me on the daily. I’m flummoxed that anyone ever thought the Pube of Truth on Veganville was a good idea, baffled that Chris “Cornhole” Kresser was ever taken seriously and nonplussed that Jordung Peterson hasn’t figured out what his Munchausen’s daughter is up to yet. At no point, however, have I ever accidentally purchased meat as a result of my confusion arising from its similarity to vegan products. It’s really very simple to avoid. It is what I believe the young people call entry-level adulting.
Eating high on the hog
“But wait, that’s kind of a bait-and-switch isn’t it?” filthy cucknivores respond. “The question isn’t about vegans eating meat, it’s carnivores accidentally purchasing vegan products.” In an unusual development for bloodmouths, this is a fair point. Plant-based shoppers are generally more mindful and label-sensitive by inclination so their actions are not necessarily representative of the population as a whole. But then there’s the House of Lords EU Energy and Environment Sub-Committee which unearthed “no evidence” that people find vegetarian burgers misleading. The sub-committee found that under 4% of people unintentionally bought a vegetarian product instead of a meat-free version. Given that 22% of Brits didn’t realise that bacon came from pigs, I think we’re on pretty safe ground saying that the meat lobby’s case is a big pile of old shite that would only satisfy fools and the mentally ill.
The issue has certainly caused some high-level debate in the chamber. “I think that a sausage should be a sausage,” said Danish MEP Weiss Pernille speaking in favour of the amendment, exhibiting the finely tuned gift for locating the nub of an argument that served Theresa “Brexit means Brexit” May so well. Pernille continued “I don’t want to make citizens more stupid in this democracy by making them question what they’re putting in their shopping basket.” In a world where close to a quarter of them don’t know where bacon comes from I’m not sure if it’s possible to make them more stupid. It’s interesting how conservatives are dead set against regulation until it comes to moments like this.
But as we are clearly in the mix with some deep thinkers, it’s fair to ask them what they will allow us to call our products. We’ve got to call them something, right? An unlikely frontrunner to emerge to replace veggie burgers is “veggie discs”. I mean, thank God that doesn’t sound confusing. My personal testimony only but it makes me think of Shane McGowan eating The Beach Boys’ Greatest Hits Volume 3 record while tripping balls on 14 tabs of acid, later explaining “I was trying to show (the) Russian Ambassador the worthlessness of American imperialism.” Who among us can say that we in the same situation we would not etc. As for vegetable tubes, I think we’ve heard enough from your boyfriend already.
The alternative meat sector have hit back with Elena Walden from the Good Food Institute Europe stating “Banning common terms like ‘veggie burger’ is a patronizing move that threatens to cause confusion where none exists, as companies would be forced to use unfamiliar terms to describe their products,” she continues “This drastic change to existing law is unnecessary. People aren’t buying veggie burgers by mistake. They’re buying them because they recognize the benefits of these products for their health, the environment and animal welfare.” If you’re wondering why obviously true things like these keep needing to be repeated it’s a combination of omnivores living in denial and people in the wider cucknivore industry being deliberately obtuse (or lying, if you prefer).
No smoke without liars
Like the tobacco industry before them, the meat lobby are not anti-confusion – they actively trade in it. The cunt-for-hire scientists who sucked Satan’s cock and took the tobacco dollar to deny the truth of smoking causing cancer waded through the blood and diseased lungs of their addicted victims to take the money and history now rightly judges them as beyond the pale. The brass balls on these meat lobby shitsacks are really quite something. To claim that their concern is clarity when it is in fact its polar opposite is a miracle of doublespeak. They live for muddying the waters – you die for it.
Let’s clear up some confusion then so we can be sure we’re all on the same page. The meat industry, like the tobacco industry, is parasitic on early death. It causes deforestation, coral reef degeneration, biodiversity loss and global warming. It initiates global pandemics and is the biggest driver of the impending antibiotic resistance apocalypse. It brutally exploits human workers in its slaughterhouses, exposing them to some of the most dangerous conditions in the UK, leaving them vulnerable to crush injuries, fatalities and amputations. It is linked to our two biggest killers: heart disease and cancer. It requires untold animal misery.
Confused now, motherfucker? Because in your dying industry, defined by death, truth is the first casualty, swiftly followed by feeling creatures whose pain and gutted corpses fuel your industry and your lifestyle. No truth-handler, you. You and truth have broadly the same relationship Nosferatu enjoys with sunlight. When you burn, as you will, remember every cut throat, amputation and pandemic death you caused while you were lobbying to ban Linda McCartney sausages and, I don’t know, reflect on your legacy.
Update 23/10/2020: Dairy banned, burgers cool
23rd October 2020. The vote has happened and it seems both sides can claim a partial victory. The cucknivore lobby can briefly remove Satan’s cock from their yaps to say “Hurrah for us! We got a ban on plant-based products using dairy terms such as ‘vegan cheese’, ‘yogurt-style’ and ‘cheese alternative’. Unfortunately, we can’t stop them using ‘coconut milk’, ‘peanut butter’, ‘almond milk’ or ‘ice cream’ as we wanted to because we are soulless pieces of shit but I guess that’s the rub when you’re a cunt-for-hire with a price tag dangling perpetually from your arse.”
On the other hand, the righteous Anti-Torture and Death lobby can say “Yeah, we took a bath on the dairy stuff but goes with the territory of opposing the worst people in the universe. However, those shit-bags failed to get burgers, sausages and steak banned so they can suck-a-dick-a-day-until-they-die which, coincidentally, is what they are already doing. My god, these “people” are abysmal.”
The Savage is predictably sanguine, on some Martin Luther King “the arc of the moral universe is long, but it bends toward justice,” shit. The tide is relentless and swamp-dwelling death lobbyists will be drowned. Believe that.